A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CHOICE SPIRIT

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2011-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

My incredible healing repeat cesarean.

2010-03-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

CLICK to read the Traumatic Birth Story that led me here

On March 4, 2010 my friends got together and threw a Blessingway for me. It was beautiful. Many of my friends and their children came to support me and lift up their blessings for my impending VBAC. They made a labyrinth for me to walk. It was so special. As I walked the labyrinth, I threw flower petals in my path, marking the blessings I sent out in hopes of a smooth and easy labor and a beautiful healthy baby girl.

At the end of my Blessingway, one of my friends, a chiropractor, taught me some acupressure points to help make the irregular contractions more meaningful and even. After the Blessingway, my contractions became regular and strong. I started having to poop a lot and the next morning I passed a quarter-sized mucous blog that had red streaks in it. I got really excited. I thought, “This is it!”

Not yet…

On March 5th, I had been contracting pretty regularly at about 6 minutes apart but wasn't getting any closer, so I went for a walk... had several small contractions, but had three that made me stop and work hard through them. My son enjoyed riding the neighborhood on his trike and we got lots of stares from neighbors who came to see what all the moaning was about... and one very old Russian immigrant grandmother who lives in our apartment complex, barely speaks English, and who has had a crush on my son since he was born came to give me some grandmotherly advice on laboring.

Got home and went to lie down and rest... fell asleep for about a half hour but got woken by a particularly strong contraction accompanied by a hard kick to my lungs... When I got up, I found that my son had conked out. Shawn carried him into the bedroom now that I wasn't taking up the whole bed... and then he came out to help me through some hard contractions that we finally found were 4 minutes apart... so Shawn called Kristina. She left the birthday party she was at and came to my rescue...

Before she arrived, my mother and sister showed up. And my contractions started spacing out... and getting lighter... Alex woke up when the pizza delivery guy came to deliver the pizza my sister had ordered before she got to my house... Amanda took over helping do counter pressure in Shawn's place because his arms have really weakened... his back is so bad... and my mom just kind of sat on the sidelines telling me how good I was doing...

When Kristina got there, my contractions had spaced out to about 11 minutes. We timed a few... worked through a couple of hard ones but it was clear that my work was done for the night and I was absolutely exhausted. So Kristina told me to get some rest and she went back to her party.

I lay down on the couch, disappointed... and once I stopped working so hard, DH started up the Wii for my mom and sister and they got SUPER loud and generally invaded my house.

I had fun watching them play but to tell the truth, I was awfully disappointed that things pretty much tanked when they got there... but ecstatic that I wasn't in the hospital where they would start hassling me about a repeat cesarean for stalled labor. I finally had enough and went to lie down in my dark, quiet bedroom... they got the hint and left.

I fell asleep and even though I had really super strong contractions all night they were really irregular...

March 6th, Kristina and I were talking about trying to just let things go after I posted on Facebook that I was going to quit for the night the 5th... we both agreed that my body will do what it should in its own time and that trying to rush things is just going to wear me out physically and emotionally. We talked about my need to control things and my excitement over what seemed to be labor and how sometimes our bodies just ease into things. After that I prayed and got out my scriptures... I laid the scriptures spine down on the table and just let them fall open (I do that when I am just reading for inspiration or peace rather than for study) and they fell open to Exodus 31 and the first thing that my eyes fell on was verse 17
It is a sign between me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed.

I thought that was pretty clear! So I posted the reference on Facebook and started resting... my contractions stopped entirely.

Sunday night, March 7th, I started having extremely consistent contractions at 8 minutes apart and lasting around 60 seconds, but not painful... they just felt like pressure, squeezing, and kind of achy like I was about to start my period and it took my breath away and my heart raced. Last Thursday and Friday though the consistent and irregular contractions I felt were really painful... like a charlie horse all over me... they lasted all the next week…

Saturday, March 13th the contractions started coming every 5 minutes and lasting 2 minutes each… I decided to go into the hospital to make sure the baby was tolerating the long contractions… We left to go to Harrison. They stopped us at the door saying that Dr. Lowe (who I later found out was formerly called Dr. Rankin, who delivered Alex) was on duty and was refusing to attend me for a VBAC, and although they can't technically turn me away in labor, unless I signed a cesarean consent form they would not be able to do more than put me in a bed and see if I was in labor. So we left.

We headed to Tacoma General. They put me on the contraction and heart rate monitors, but before we even got there my contractions had slowed... On the monitors though, Lirum was doing fantastic. Variable heart rate, 1 or 2 possible decels that could have been when I moved or something. BUT:

My blood pressure was really high. That concerned me. They did a vaginal exam, that was excruciating... Kristina said she heard me screaming down the hallway! I have had vaginal exams before... cervical checks, pap smears, etc... but I have NEVER experienced that kind of agony before! I was barely dilated a fingertip... so, with my pressures being high and no dilation, we decided to do a Biophysical Profile and monitor my blood pressures for a while and then do another cervical check to see if I was indeed in labor.

Lirum BARELY got an 8/8 on the BPP, she didn’t want to move, but at the last second she arched her back and the tech called it good. The placenta... oh the placenta... 1 1/2 weeks before, my placenta looked spotty, but not really terribly calcified, that day it was completely white... there weren't any dark spots on it at all. That is a REALLY fast degradation! The tech saw it and couldn't help but say "WOW! That placenta is all used up!" I knew as soon as I saw that bright white placenta that I wasn't going to get my VBAC... especially with my blood pressure so high.

We got back to the room, and they came to check my dilation to see if I was progressing at all... but after that first cervical check 2 hours before, I had only had 3 or 4 contractions... and I even walked around the birthing unit trying to get it going before the BPP. So my cervix hadn't budged. At least after I told the doc that her first cervical check was excruciating, she was MUCH gentler. They left after that and I pretty much just told everyone there that I would not be having a VBAC. I knew it... it was only a matter of time before the doc came in after looking at the BPP results and comparing them with my last one... and sure enough... She came in and said that if I were in active labor that night, she wouldn't have a problem with me having a VBAC, but to wait God knows how much longer for me to start active labor on my own, since induction isn't an option, it is just too risky.

I wasn't even upset! I mean, sure, I was disappointed, feeling a loss of something I had worked so hard to achieve... but really, the whole point of working for a VBAC was to give my baby girl the best start in life... now a VBAC isn't the best start I can give her. If I wait for labor to start on its own, it could be weeks, and by that time the placenta could give out entirely... or if I go into labor, she could not tolerate it well... It was just too risky. IT WAS MY CHOICE. That made all the difference.

I think it was absolutely fantastic the way I was treated at Tacoma General... the on call doc, Dr. Miller, was a gem. She was completely unbiased, supportive of my wish to pursue a VBAC and listened to me and made me feel like a real person and not just another patient to be "handled". I think she was impressed with me and my knowledge of my options and research... It was like we were on equal footing! Not once during my entire stay tonight did I ever feel in any way belittled, abused, or hornswaggled. So KUDOS to TG! I think the clincher though was when the doc said "I think you probably could have interpreted your BPP yourself!" After I told her that I had seen the change in the placenta with my own eyes and that I thought it would be best to have a cesarean.

So I asked to be discharged. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and have a good meal and head to Harrison and have a cesarean the next day. We wanted to be closer to home as it would be easier for Shawn to deal with Alex.

March 14th, I called Harrison to schedule my medically necessary repeat cesarean and they said that if I was not in ACTIVE labor, they would transfer me to Seattle because of my seizures... yeah, they did a cesarean for Alex and I had seizures then... I was irate. I called Tacoma General and got to talk to my favorite OB from OBAC. Dr. Erin Wisbey-Martin. She and I discussed my case and she consulted with other docs at the hospital and we decided that my case was not “emergent” meaning my and Lirum’s lives were not in immediate danger. Lirum had been doing well even through the contractions and my placenta was not detached… it was on its last legs, but it hadn’t given out yet. And TG only does “emergent” cesareans on the weekends. So, we scheduled me for Wednesday, March 17th at 2pm with a noon check in time. I chose the date because it was the only one available where Dr. Wisbey-Martin would be able to do the cesarean. I was to be on complete bed rest till then.

Shawn was beside himself with joy... he was still holding out hope that we could do something to get me to go into labor naturally so we could VBAC, and now we had 3 more days to try rather than having to go in that day. We made an appointment to see my friend, the chiropractor to see if she could help.

I posted our plans online, as there were several people following my progress on different sites. They all knew how important it was to me to try for a VBAC. After Alex’s birth, I swore I would VBAC… and I worked hard over the next 3 years to educate myself about birth and my own health. I learned more about VBAC and repeat cesarean than most doctors! And when some of my friends heard that I had consented to a repeat cesarean, the proverbial crap hit the fan. I got bombarded by people telling me that I was giving up… that the docs had pulled the wool over my eyes… that Lirum was fine and why was I not still working for it… etc… It really hurt. I made the decision based on all the available evidence. I was comfortable with my choice. I knew it was right. These people, knowing only bits and parts of the whole story, passed judgment on me. I started to question my choice. Was I really making the right choice, or was I just scared? I talked to Kristina… she has been my rock through this whole thing… she helped me to understand that most of the people I had bashing my choice now were people who were not invested in me as a whole… just in seeing me have a vaginal birth. These people were on crusades to have VBAC’s or were so invested in seeing me have the one they couldn’t have that nothing else mattered to them. Putting that all into perspective reassured me that I was doing the right thing.

Monday, the 15th we headed to the chiropractor’s. She was amazing! We worked for over 2 hours using homeopathics, acupressure, and adjustments… but because of where my placenta was located, turning the baby from where she was lying on my right side to my left side to help her press on the cervix was unlikely. The contractions got stronger though and we thought if we just went home and rested, we would go into active labor… Before our work, my blood pressure was 170/92… afterward, it was 116/68. Joella invited us to come back and do more work Tuesday if we wanted to, but I decided that would be unnecessary… because Tuesday the contractions slowed back to the crampy charlie horse contractions… I knew my body wasn’t going to do this… I just wasn’t ready. I was only 39 weeks and 3 days along, and I knew that it was going to take longer for me since I had never had a vaginal birth and last time it took over three days just to get to 4cm. and I was in active labor!

I called the doc Tuesday, the 16th as she requested, to go over what the cesarean entails... I hadn't ever had what I would call an "elective cesarean". With Alex I was in labor for days before they tried to break my water and decided to do a cesarean... so I wanted to go over how exactly it would work and she said it would be better to go over it the day before so that I could sit on it overnight and be ready with any questions for her when she saw me for the surgery.

Here was the plan:
When I arrived at noon they planned to strap on the monitors and get a good reading on the baby and my contractions... then do a cervical check to see if I had dilated, if I did, then this would allow me time to make any progress before determining if they would cancel the cesarean and allow me to labor. They planned to put in the IV and do all the pre-op prep except for the spinal, which would be done 1/2 hour before the surgery. The Obstetric unit's operating room table has a weight limit of 200lbs.... so they had to do my cesarean on the main surgical floor where they have a "bariatric surgical table". There was a question as to whether Shawn would be allowed… They expected the surgery to take a minimum of 1 hour... possibly longer depending on the extent of the existing scarring... They planned to use something called a "wound vac" which I hadn't ever heard of... to ensure that I didn't get an infection. They planned to follow my existing scar on the skin and fixing the wound so that hopefully I won’t get the keloid part at the top. She said that because I am a "high risk cesarean" the surgical staff would include THREE ob's, one of them a perinatologist; nursing staff for the operation; nursing staff from the NICU; a pediatrician; and the anesthesiologist. So that's a full house!

Here is reality:
Grandma, Shawn, Alex, and I got to the hospital at noon. They put me in a triage room and told me to change into the hospital gown. They checked my vitals… my blood pressure was still down! They put me on the monitor and did a cervical check… I wasn’t dilated at all… still. Deep down I knew that would happen, but I wasn’t prepared for how that would make me feel. This was the point of no return in my mind. For some reason, even though I had decided to have a cesarean, I guess I had still held a shred of hope that maybe the work we did at Joella’s had made me have a little progress… that maybe the VBAC wasn’t gone. Shawn was as disappointed as I was.

My sister showed up and took over watching Alex. Kristina came and I felt better… I still had that little bit of concern that my Doula wouldn’t show, just like last time. Not that I didn’t trust Kristina, but because I was so hurt last time. The little triage room was full. It was nice, I felt supported and loved.

The nurse came to put the IV in and draw some blood for a CBC and blood type, just in case I needed blood infusions. Then the doctors came in to see me, Dr. Abbi, Dr. Flaim, and Dr. Wisbey-Martin. They poked my belly this way and that, and determined that because of the amount of weight I gained since my last cesarean, following the existing surgical scar would be unrealistic. They decided to do a “bikini cut” cesarean. They also told me that they would have to use staples instead of sutures as I had requested because the incision would be under a skin fold. A little bit after that, someone came in and shaved my belly and the tip of my pubic hair to allow for the surgery.

About 20 minutes later, a L&D nurse named Sharon came to take me to the O.R., I was surprised to see that they asked me if I would rather WALK than be wheeled up on a bed or wheelchair! That was the first moment that I realized that this experience truly would be more dignified…

I researched and studied and absorbed every little factoid I could over the last three years… I had good and bad experiences through my whole pregnancy and had written a birth plan to cover this situation, just in case. Then I found out that cesarean was the best way and I lost my chance to VBAC. I had just been turned away by the hospital I thought would be best for me. Then I had landed squarely in the hands of the hospital I decided I would not want to go to because I believed that they were only in it to protect themselves rather than to provide me and my daughter the best birth possible for us.… and it was my last option, there was nowhere else to go… and here they were giving me hope that this would be more than my last birth ever dreamed of being.

I walked to the O.R., leaving my husband on the elevator because they still weren’t sure if the anesthetist would allow him into the main O.R. I walked onto the floor and was met by surprised stares from people who hadn’t seen a patient walk onto the floor in a long time. Apparently the only cesareans that are done on that floor are extreme emergencies… I walked into the room and was met by a bustle of people cheerily talking and listening to upbeat music. I was sat on the table and strapped back to the baby monitor, but Sharon couldn’t get a proper reading with me sitting up so she gave up. I mentioned to the room in general that I was allergic to Latex and someone turned and said, “Well, shit, we need to get a different kit in here.” Sharon went to find a latex free urine catheter. Someone came over and asked if I liked the music. I suddenly remembered that I had put in my cesarean plan that I wanted to be asked this question… It completely slipped my mind. They said they had Pandora.com up on the computer and asked me who my favorite artist was. I told them I really liked Norah Jones and they went and typed her name in. Immediately I heard more soothing music, I almost cried… they were seriously honoring my birth plan!

Soon the anesthetist came in, a cheerful man named Tompkins, someone said “Hi, doc!” and I felt eased that this was a nice guy in a good mood. I asked him then if my husband could come in during the cesarean. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Well of course!” Suddenly Sharon stepped into motion; she got on the phone and called up to the waiting room to see if they could get my husband up there fast. Someone had already taken him to get scrubbed though, so she couldn’t find him and didn’t know that someone had already taken him, so she called L&D and asked someone there to find him. Then she called his cell phone. She found him quickly and he was there in just a few minutes. He was dressed in a white paper jumpsuit, but she laughed and pulled out a package with some dark blue thick paper scrubs that looked much more comfortable. He left with her to get changed. During all this hustle the anesthetist had started trying to get me started on the spinal.

After trying for nearly half an hour and failing each time he stuck me, and putting me in a lot of pain from each jab… he FINALLY gave up. It took him two tries to get the epidural in instead. But, as Sharon explained to my husband who was holding my hand through most of it, an epidural takes longer to take effect for a surgery than a spinal because a spinal is like dumping pain meds down a drain… an epidural is like putting a sponge in the sink and pouring the pain meds into the sponge and waiting for it to drain down the sink. So they laid me down on the operating table and went back to work hooking me up to all the various machines: an EKG, BP monitor, Infant HR monitor, pulse ox, oxygen nasal canula, etc… Shawn commented on the music and I told him about how they let me choose the station. Then they decided I was numb enough to insert the catheter… but I wasn’t. It was horrible!

We made small talk for a bit and then suddenly, my blood pressure plummeted, I got nauseas and sweaty and the anesthesiologist was right there… putting something into my IV… and asking me questions… I don’t recall the questions he asked, but he seemed concerned and Shawn kept asking why my pressure was low, at one point he said it was 79/46. The room kind of faded for a second, but then all of a sudden my heart was racing and the anesthesiologist said, “There we go!” And the whole room breathed a sigh of relief and went back to business, and I went back to talking to my husband. The anesthetist put some anti-nausea meds in and I was just fine…

The OBs came in then, and the curtain went up and they started taping my belly up so that they could get at the right spot to do the surgery. I could still feel everything, and it was very interesting… cold prep solution and the tape and then they just waited… every few minutes they would draw something across my belly and ask if I could feel that. Eventually I couldn’t and they went to work. During the next 25 minutes, I talked with Shawn and asked questions of the anesthetist and OBs, Sharon came over frequently to check on me… it was nice. Nothing was ever talked about except that it directly affected me and my baby. Every 10 minutes or so, when I would start to feel my legs, the anesthetist put more medication in the epidural. Then it felt like they practically STOOD on my stomach and I felt pulling and I couldn’t breathe… I remembered that this was the way I felt just before my son was born… I got excited… apparently too excited; Shawn started telling me to calm down because I started shaking in anticipation. Seconds later I felt a release and completely lost the ability to take a breath in. The anesthetist leaned toward me and told me to breathe…

And then I heard my baby girl. The room went dead silent. I gasped and actually started to hyperventilate a little, and then the tears came, and I started talking to her… telling her I was there and that I would hold her in a minute… They took her to the NICU table and checked her briefly and then they wheeled the NICU bed over to where I could see her. Sharon told them that I wanted to keep the placenta and that I didn’t want Lirum wiped off before I could touch her. Everyone who mentioned the baby called her by her name instead of calling her “baby” or “chunker” like the last cesarean team did to my son. They had asked during the prep what her name was and everyone in the room knew it and actually remembered. I felt full of joy and peace. I touched my baby and kissed her head before she was cleaned off. I watched as they shortened the cord stump and did all their other checks and wiped her off. They said her Apgar scores were 8 and 9. Then they wrapped her up and handed her to Shawn and he came over and held her by me and I reached over and touched her and stroked her cheek and listened as Shawn talked soothing words to her… she was beautiful. She had a head full of dark hair the color of Shawn’s, chubby cheeks that just made me want to kiss her and never stop and olive complexion just like Shawn’s… She is going to be the most beautiful woman to walk the earth…

Shawn took Lirum to the NICU for observation after I had time with her. It only took another 20 minutes to close me up and install the wound vac, during which time Sharon held my hand continuously, telling me what to expect in the days ahead and how beautiful Lirum was. And the doctor softly said to me, “Jennifer, you did everything right. You worked so hard, and you have a beautiful little girl! I am so sorry you didn’t get your VBAC.” I cried. That little act of mercy will stay with me forever.

Then they dropped the curtain and waited till I could feel my legs. Then they brought in a monstrosity of a bed that was to be my home for the next 3 days, and aired up the mattress that was already underneath me and moved me over to the bed. I was wheeled to the Post-op Recovery Area where I was watched for the next hour and a half by a nurse who literally never left my bedside. She checked my uterus every 15 minutes, gave me ice chips when I asked for them, and monitored my blood pressure, temp, and how far up the anesthesia was still effective. I felt cared for. I felt like I wasn’t forgotten. Someone was there, talking to me every minute, I wasn’t just shoved aside. The recovery nurse talked to me about the birth and how I felt and the baby and everything! I told her about how we had come to this point and all the support that I had. Things couldn't have been better... well unless I had a VBAC... but for a cesarean it was ideal. Besides my little blood pressure crisis, the whole thing was textbook.

Eventually, I was determined to be well enough to go to my room on the Mother Baby Unit where I could see my family and be with my daughter. It was fun getting there. The bed was electric, it only moves if it is turned on and someone had forgotten to plug it in when I got to the recovery unit… so it was dead. They managed to get three nurses to push the darn thing… and got it to my room. No one knew how to maneuver it though and so it was absolutely hilarious, like the dang three stooges… it was comical… By the time we got to my room we were all laughing.

I was able to immediately nurse my baby girl, who didn’t want to open her mouth and had a tied frenulum, but she quickly fixed that on her own, and I got her to open her mouth wide by the second day. She was a champion nurser. She weighed in at birth at 9lbs 5.5oz., by the time we left the hospital on March 20th, she was 8lbs. 8oz., and three days later at her one week checkup, she was 9lbs 8oz.!

Because of my seizures, my husband and I agreed that it would be best if I were not alone with our newborn daughter during my recovery in the hospital… We couldn’t expect a nurse to sit with me round the clock, and my son would not be allowed to stay at the hospital overnight – nor would it be fair to him to have to… and we didn’t want to use the nursery! So, my grandma and husband struck a deal: she would stay with me overnight and he and my son would come up and sit with me during the day while grandma went home to rest. It worked great, and I didn’t even have any seizures…

I was able to get the catheter out 12 hours after the surgery and the IV out at 18 hours. After getting the catheter out they gave me six hours to pee on my own… it took me 5 ½ hours! I would sit on the toilet, my bladder feeling like it would burst from the fullness, and not be able to pee! It was horrible… I nearly gave up and asked for a catheter just to relieve the pressure… but finally we had success, and I was told that as a prize, I could shower! YEAH! It felt so good. I was amazed at how much better I was moving around after this surgery as compared to my son’s cesarean… I was taking care of all my own needs, and the pain was pretty minimal. I used Tylenol and Ibuprofen to deal with the pain, asking for the prescribed Percocet only 2 or 3 times when I just couldn’t deal with the back pain and headaches from the epidural wearing off. I was on normal food immediately, instead of being titrated up to normal food like I was with my son’s surgery. It was great! The best part was that every person who came to my room didn’t just coo over the baby and treat me like a sideliner; I was treated with the respect that a new mother deserves! I was talked to about my baby instead of ignored… I was asked how I was doing instead of having someone just assume and act accordingly. People didn’t just come in and start doing things to my baby, they consulted with me first! It was an amazing experience. One of the things that made my last cesarean so bad was that I felt ignored, like I had served my purpose and was now irrelevant. I never felt that this time. Every Nurse, CNA, and Doctor was amazing.

I wasn't ever offered any formula! THAT IS AMAZING! With Alex they were shoving it down our throats, literally... we were even told that we would be arrested for child abuse and neglect if we didn't supplement him and that Alex couldn't be released from the hospital unless we agreed to supplement! We left the hospital with Alex and literally CASES of pre-mixed liquid soy formula bottles (just throw on a nipple!) and powdered formula for when that ran out, an SNS system to use, coupons, pacifiers, bottles, and other formula feeding paraphanelia... With Lirum it was totally different. Lirum hasn't ever had any formula in her life. The only issue I had was that they kept coming in and asking when I nursed her and for how long each session and which breast I used... I nursed Alex for 2 1/2 years and I haven't EVER watched the clock! Being asked to was very weird... I nurse on demand and I don't give a thought to which breast or how long at each breast... lol... eventually they gave up when they would ask and I would say, "Hmmmm I really don't know!" They started asking me how many wet or poopy diapers she had instead... that I could tell them!

They preformed a few tests on Lirum, of course. She passed the hearing test with flying colors. They did a new pulse ox test on her to check her heart… that made the echocardiogram that they had ordered during the pregnancy unnecessary. They did the PKU. And finally, they checked her bilirubin… At 52 hours old the light test showed that her bilirubin was 13.7 so they did a blood test. We were concerned because she was yellowed and had been sleeping a lot. The blood test came back that she had a level of 11.2… so there was no concern. She was still yellow, but she had what is called “physiologic jaundice”, which is common in breastfed babies and is totally harmless. It goes away just as soon as the mother’s milk comes in and baby gets more than just colostrum.

They didn’t even bat an eye when we told them we didn’t want her bathed at the hospital, we would not be vaccinating, and that we only wanted half the vitamin k shot… but apparently a NICU nurse threw a fit when my husband declined the eye drops. She told him that she would have to report us to CPS because the eye drops were mandated by law and there was no waiver. My husband stood his ground though and no eye drops were administered. The pediatrician came to my room the next day and I asked him about it. He looked shocked that my husband had been treated that way and explained to me that it was policy that if parents refuse the eye drops when the mother has a STD, they call CPS because the parents would be putting a child at risk. But, he noted, I don’t have any STDs, “And besides, wasn’t she born by cesarean?” I told him she was and he just laughed. He did have a talk with the NICU team and the nurse in question came and apologized for her confusion.

Lirum did end up needing supplementation during her NICU stay while I was in post-op… but we had brought expressed breastmilk that a friend had given us for just this occasion. Shawn tried to convince them to let him cup feed Lirum the breastmilk, but they said that studies had shown that it was an aspiration risk and they wouldn’t allow it. His options were to bottle feed or use an NG tube. He chose the tube to avoid using a bottle and possibly causing nipple confusion… this also prevented her from being OVERFED, which is a common happening with bottle feeding. They pumped out the contents of her stomach and then measured that amount out of the breastmilk we brought and filled her stomach back to that level.

Shawn felt awkward in the NICU, the only parent there who was able to hold his obviously healthy daughter… surrounded by babies and parents in crisis, but it was required to go to the NICU instead of the nursery after a cesarean on the main O.R. floor… Altogether, Lirum did great. There was never a single concern that lasted more than a few minutes that she wasn’t absolutely healthy.

My wonderful Doula, not only showed up, but she was present… she helped my husband to navigate the immediate after birth and really was there for him… which was the best gift she could have given me. My husband STILL says thank you to her every time she is even mentioned! I can’t stress how important she was to our experience, even though I had a cesarean.

The last thing to go for me was the wound vac on the day I went home. That was truly horrible. I had told them that I was allergic to latex and adhesives, so they purposely got a latex free hypoallergenic tape to secure the wound vac to my stomach… but apparently it had a latex derivative in it… when they removed the tape and wound vac, they found that I had developed giant blisters everywhere the tape had touched. That was what had been itching since I had regained feeling in my belly! The wound care specialist had assured me that itching was a sign that the wound was healing… oops! They decided not to dress the blisters there, so they could air out… but they gave me a roll of paper tape, since I knew I never had a reaction to that, and a few dressings to use at home. I took my last shower and was discharged.

Here I am, a week later and I had my staples removed yesterday and Lirum and I are doing great! I ended up having a secondary reaction to the paper tape, that caused more blisters… but keeping it clean and slathering on Neosporin seems to have taken the bite out of it and it is well on the way to healing. I am taking my placenta pills, courtesy of a friend who encapsulated it for me. But the greatest thing I can say is this:

For a cesarean, it couldn’t have been better. I can't believe the difference education and preparation made in our experience, but you can prepare and educate all you want and if your chosen place of birth is not cooperative, you will still have a bad experience. Thank you a thousand times to Tacoma General for blessing me with a healing experience.
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UPDATE
May 3, 2010

I discovered today that Lirum's life could have been in serious danger. Had my 6 week post partum checkup today, which went really great. Lirum showed off and caught everyone's attention. She nursed and then decided to stretch for 20 minutes, then roll over and push herself up on her hands.

I was surprised by the operative report. The last ultrasound the Friday before she was born, showed a completely calcified placenta, the op report from her Wednesday cesarean (I was 39 weeks and 6 days) said Lirum's placenta was partially detached and came off the rest of the way with "minimal uterine massage". They had to SCRAPE Alex's placenta off! And only 5 days later! I am so glad she was born when she was, any later and it could have been disasterous! Not to be melodramatic, but for Heaven's sake... I have heard so many stories of stillborn babies from detached placentas.

But now I am having all kinds of strange feelings... I worked hard to even be given the chance to VBAC, then I decided to have the cesarean after seeing the ultrasound... which obviously was the right decision... but I had doubts that it really was an emergency since they were ok with postponing it for 5 days, had that twinge of guilt that I was giving up, and comments from certain people in my online community didn't help that... But I was glad to have had those 5 days to try to go into labor naturally... and when it didn't I was almost relieved because I questioned whether I was really strong enough, which is silly. And then the cesarean was so wonderful and healing of all the hurt I had left over from Alex's birth. But still, could I have VBAC'd? Was the placenta really THAT bad? How long could I have pushed it? I could have avoided another scar and all those damned blisters from the adhesive reaction! Then to hear this today makes me want to vomit. I had no idea that she was really that close to having a completely detached placenta... OBVIOUSLY she's fine... I mean she is just beautiful and bright and strong... I just love her so much, and to think that I could have killed her by selfishly pursuing a VBAC after seeing the placenta so bad off... I could have chosen to ignore that and say that I was already so close to 40 weeks why not just induce with pitocin, my GOD that could have killed her right there, the doc offered that option on Friday... and for a split second I nearly almost thought about saying yes and then I thought of all the reports that said pitocin was so horrible for VBACs... I could have gone home and just waited for labor to go on it's own... how long would I have waited? I didn't FEEL the placenta coming off the wall, how would I have known? What if I had gone and had natural labor start at 41 or 42 weeks and had Lirum stillborn? Knowing that she's just fine doesn't help these feelings pass... it just doesn't and I just can't breathe...

Birth Anouncement

2010-03-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Update

2010-03-13T20:15:00.001-08:00

NO VBAC.

We left to go to Harrison. They stopped us at the door saying that Dr. Lowe was on duty and was refusing to attend me for a VBAC, and although they can't technically turn me away in labor, unless I signed a cesarean consent form they would not be able to do more than put me in a bed and see if I was in labor. So we left.

We headed to TG. They put me on the contraction and heart rate monitors, but before we even got there my contractions had slowed... before we left the house they were 4-5 minutes apart and lasting at least 2 minutes each... that is why we left... I didn't want to take the chance that Lirum wasn't handling the really long contractions. On the monitors though, Lirum was doing fantastic. Variable heart rate, 1 or 2 possible decels that could have been when I moved or something. BUT:

My blood pressure was really high. That concerned me. They did a vaginal exam, that was excruciating... Kristina said she heard me screaming down the hallway! I have had vaginal exams before... cervical checks, pap smears, etc... but I have NEVER experienced that kind of agony before! I was barely dilated a fingertip... so, with my pressures being high and no dilation, we decided to do a BPP and monitor my blood pressures for a while and then do another cervical check to see if I was indeed in labor.

Lirum BARELY got an 8/8 on the BPP, she wasn't wanting to move, but at the last second she arched her back and the tech called it good. The placenta... oh the placenta... 1 1/2 weeks ago my placenta looked spotty, but not really terribly calcified, today it was completely white... there weren't any dark spots on it at all. That is a REALLY fast degrade! The tech saw it and couldn't help but say "WOW! That placenta is all used up!" I knew as soon as I saw that bright white placenta that I wasn't going to get my VBAC... especially with my blood pressure so high.

We got back to the room, and they came to check my dilation to see if I was progressing at all... but after that first cervical check 2 hours before, I had only had 3 or 4 contractions... and I even walked around the birthing unit trying to get it going before the BPP. So my cervix hadn't budged. At least after I told the doc that her first cervical check was excruciating, she was MUCH more gentle. They left after that and I pretty much just told everyone there that I would not be having a VBAC. I knew it... it was only a matter of time before the doc came in after looking at the BPP results and comparing them with my last one... and sure enough... She came in and said that if I were in active labor tonight, she wouldn't have a problem with me having a VBAC, but to wait God knows how much longer for me to start active labor on my own, since induction isn't an option, it is just too risky.

I wasn't even upset! I mean, sure, I was disappointed, feeling a loss of something I had worked so hard to achieve... but really, the whole point of working for a VBAC was to give my baby girl the best start in life... now a VBAC isn't the best start I can give her. If I wait for labor to start on its own, it could be weeks, and by that time the placenta could give out entirely... or if I go into labor, she could not tolerate it well... It is just too risky.

So I asked to be discharged. I will sleep in my own bed and have a good meal and head back to TG on Wednesday for a cesarean.

One last thing... I think it was absolutely fantastic the way I was treated at Tacoma General... the on call doc, Dr. Miller, was a gem. She was completely unbiased, supportive of my wish to pursue a VBAC and listened to me and made me feel like a real person and not just another patient to be "handled". I think she was impressed with me and my knowledge of my options and research... It was like we were on equal footing! Not once during my entire stay tonight did I ever feel in any way belittled, abused, or hornswaggled. So KUDOS to TG! I think the clincher though was when the doc said "I think you probably could have interpreted your BPP yourself!" After I told her that I had seen the change in the placenta with my own eyes and that I thought it would be best to have a cesarean.

IT WAS MY CHOICE. That made all the difference.

musings...

2010-03-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with Alex, at 38 weeks and 4 days I felt the first contractions... they were very similar to what I feel now. And, being stupid and not having anyone to talk to about it, I assumed I was ready to have a baby and enjoyed myself thoroughly... The next day we called the doc who told us to go to L&D to see if we were in labor... and the rest is history.

http://choicespirit.blogspot.com/2009/03/real-women-real-lives.html

Today I am 38 weeks and 5 days along... I have been feeling those same contractions this time and I know that they are preparing me for labor and to bring my baby into this world. My body is doing what it was designed to do! It makes me feel good to know that even though my actions and choices last time led to a cesarean, my body isn't broken. I have spent the last 3 years soaking up everything I could learn about pregnancy, VBAC, and repeat cesarean. I have been surrounded by supportive and loving people who want to see me succeed. I have found an amazing Doula who is more than I deserve... she is also my friend, which means so much more. And the most important thing is that I have faith in my body.

I can do this! I can VBAC!

Pregnancy and other goings on...

2010-03-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Alex is very sick... high temp, snotty nose, wet hacking cough, and just absolutely miserable... He started Sunday with a runny nose and stayed home from Church, last night around 6pm his fever spiked. He was just lethargic and couldn't stay awake for anything! We ended up giving him some Tylenol and putting him to bed after he stood in the bathroom screaming bloody murder while Shawn steamed him up... still wouldn't get into the bath

Add to that, one very pregnant momma with sore nipples and having contractions regularly all night long last night... and what do you think happens?

Alex rolled over and pinched my nipple in his sleep (he only does this when he's really sick, or have had a bad dream... a comfort thing... he wont nurse, but just checks to make sure it is still there) during one particularly intense contraction that woke me up. I wasn't getting much sleep anyway... and I just started screaming at the top of my lungs: "GET OFF ME!" over and over and over.... I just couldn't stop screaming... Shawn came up out of a dead sleep shaking from reaction, Alex woke up all panicky, Shawn grabbed Alex who was just crying hysterically because all he could see was mom was screaming at him and he couldn't figure out what he did... I finally got control of myself and just started sobbing... then Alex, still crying, wanted to come over and snuggle with me now that he saw I wasn't mad anymore... and we just laid there crying together till we were just hiccupping from exhaustion... the next thing I know, we woke up this morning and I still had him in my arms.

I was worried about leaving him to go to my OB visit today, what kind of emotional distress was it going to cause him to have me gone when he is still sick and recovering from a terrible mommy episode? But, when I got home Alex gave me a great big grin and jumped into my arms... I nearly cried with joy... he doesn't seem to be any worse for the wear.

I had a fantastic OB visit today... They were scary nice to me which really freaks me out since they have been really horrible the last few weeks. Ever since my apnea problem though they have been sticky sweet to me... which is nice, but makes me wonder when the other foot will drop. Maybe it's just me being paranoid...

In any case, they checked my cervix and I am dilated to 2cm on the outside, 0 on the inside... soft cervix, but still high. Lirum was so far engaged that the ultrasound tech couldn't get accurate measurements of her head during my biophysical profile! I think these contractions are doing their job!

On other news, still have a negative trace urine, BP has stabilized, gained a grand total of 4lbs this past week, minor swelling in the feet but they said that's normal for someone who is going to be 38 weeks pregnant on Friday. Ultrasound was great, Lirum got 8 out of 8 on her profile and amniotic fluid is at a perfect 11cm so no fear of polyhydramnios. My sugars have been great this past week also! And to top it off, they are estimating Lirum's weight at birth to be about 7lbs!

All of that to say that things are still going swimmingly... It is as if I don't even have Diabetes or Hypertension! My seizures have also been decreasing this past week, even though I do pass out during some of the more intense contractions I have been having. I have gained 46 lbs through my whole pregnancy.

Speaking of Diabetes, the doc said that when I do think I am in labor, they want me to stop all my insulin... I asked why and she said that this way they can monitor my sugars during labor and if necessary put me on an insulin drip. This is the only way they can find out how long AFTER labor I need to stay. I told her that I planned to eat hard candies during labor to maintain my sugar... and she said that was fine... not that I plan to labor at her hospital anyway, but it was nice to know that it's ok with the Diabetes issue. She also said that if my sugar is maintained well through labor without having to go on an insulin drip that I could stay as little as 48 hours after a vaginal birth and 72 hours after a cesarean... that is VERY good news!

Pregnancy update...

2010-02-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

I am due sometime next month... and still trying for that elusive VBAC!

My story is quite long... Here is a link to my son's unnecesarean:
http://choicespirit.blogspot.com/2009/03/real-women-real-lives.html

Since we got pregnant this time, we have switched docs 3 times to find a supportive provider. That provider decided at a visit two weeks ago to inform me that I would have to have my VBAC spontaneously by 39 weeks or have a repeat cesarean. Here is that story:
http://www.facebook.com/riverbeauty?v=app_2347471856#!/note.php?note_id=345865831328

I had started to feel a bit discouraged... perhaps I was making the wrong choice... but then at my last doc visit God sent me an angel in disguise. A new doc who looked at my file and me and basically couldn't figure out why VBAC wasn't the best choice for me... and was confused when another doc in the practice told her to tell me that I was going against their medical advice by refusing to cooperate with their plans.

Now I have renewed confidence in my ability and my choices... and am going to go ahead with my plan to labor at home and show up pushing at the local VBAC de facto banned hospital and not let anyone push me around.

Fat and Fabulous!

2010-02-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

I love the Feminist Breeder's show... this talk was about body image and dealing with being fat. We should accept the body we have... not the body we wish we had. Be healthy at any size rather than say screw it and sit on your butt and be unhealthy just because you are overweight.

I called into the show and shared my experience.

Holy Canoli!

2010-02-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

I took a nap today and woke up with EXTREME pain... the entire left side of my abdomen was just as hard as a rock... the right side was not tight at all. So I tried pelvic rocking, squats, sitting "indian style", shower, walking, sitting on my ball (cute story about that in a minute), the inversion technique my chiro suggested, drinking water - though very very very nauseous... NOTHING helped! It was excruciating. For an HOUR!

Then when I tried pelvic rocking again, I got up on the bed and scooted all the way to the bottom of the bed and let my butt hang off the end (I looked like a freaking frog, I am sure) and I felt Lirum "pop"... that is the only way I can describe it. She had been transverse and whatever part of her was on my left side went up. IT HURT LIKE HELL! Never in my life felt anything so painful EVER! I nearly threw up, and then I passed out. Shawn was able to help get me up onto the bed in a better position laying on my side when I came to a second later. The whole side of my abdomen was still just as hard as could be. So we called Kristina to see if maybe I should go in or something... She said it wasn't likely contractions, just Lirum in a bad position... and to try some other things. For the next half hour we tried everything she suggested and finally, with a sick thud-like sound in my spine when Lirum kicked me (Shawn said it sounded like a peice of meat being thrown at the wall) and a swooshing sound she flipped.

My whole belly looks completely different. The top isn't poking out as far anymore and I feel her kicking in my left side at the top, her head is NOT in my pelvis, it is over to the right by my leg. My hard belly has softened quite a bit, and the pain is not nearly as bad as it was. I am achy on my left side from my back wrapping around the left and shooting down my leg. I will be seeing my chiro tomorrow.

DANG!

Oh yeah, cute story about the ball... As I was sitting on my ball, Alex came in with his beach ball and sat on it and copied every move I made... it was adorable!

Alex's first ride of the new year!

2010-01-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

In re: Mominatrix

2010-01-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

http://thefeministbreeder.com/cesarean-moms-mobilize-in-support-of-one-another/

Last night there was a live broadcast in response to Momintatrix's comment that cesarean mothers are "lucky" and should "have a giggle and get over it". If you missed the live broadcast, you can still listen in at the website above.

Mominatrix's comments were horrible. They struck right at the heart of women who have had horrible cesarean experiences. It demeans the experiences of thousands of women!

My first contact with this woman was through a reveiw done by The Feminist Breeder's blog.
http://thefeministbreeder.com/mominatrix-says-consider-yourself-lucky-you-c-section-bitches/
I was outraged! I couldn't believe that a woman would say something like this about something she had never experienced. Then I heard that Mominatrix had a live broadcast where she continued her comments and even had a male guest who disparaged women...

I called in (Jennifer/Riverbeauty) to The Feminist Breeder's broadcast to share my story. If you want to read my son's Cesarean Birth Story, you can:
http://choicespirit.blogspot.com/2009/03/real-women-real-lives.html

30 weeks 3 days

2010-01-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

Birth Works, and dealing with FEAR

2010-01-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

I had been avoiding this part of the BirthWorks series because I wanted to only focus on the positive... but part of my class this Saturday is to name my fears... part of the exercise was to share the fears and become accountable for them... so here I go...

The red ones are fears I no longer have to worry about... because I have solved the problem or someone has helped me to solve it.

The blue ones are ones I have no control over and have decided to name them and then give them to God to deal with.

1. Being baited and switched
2. my husband being too aggressive
3. my husband being in pain
4. my husband not wanting to be my rock
5. late term miscarriage
6. losing my "voice" or that I really an mot strong enough or that I truly am broken from my VBAC
7. Not having my support able to be at the birth
8. complications leading to a cesarean
9. baby being born with problems like Diabetes and requiring time in the NICU without me
10. Hospital staff not respecting my wishes regarding pain meds, movement, monitoring, IV, newborn care, support people, labor positions, physiological pushing, delayed cord cutting, immediate skin to skin contact and nursing, vaginal exams, spontaneous placenta delivery...
11. My preferred doc not being available and having to deal with an on-call doc
12. My Doula not being available and having to use her backup
13. Not being able to pay my Doula what she's so obviously worth but knowing I can't do it without her.
14. Not having the money for my husband and son to eat while I am in the hospital
15. My husband and son having to travel back and forth almost an hour drive to see me daily while I am in the hospital
16. Not being able to retain my placenta for encapsulation
17. not being able to get the placenta to the encapsulation lady
18. not being able to afford the fee for encapsulation
19. requiring a urinary catheter, pain meds, epidural, cesarean, etc... all the cascade of interventions
20. post partum depression
21. bonding with my daughter
22. not having enough room in our very small 2 bedroom apartment and having to move before the birth or shortly afterward
23. My mother's fears and criticisms of me and my choices
24. getting pre eclampsia
25. baby having a molded cone head
26. magnesium sulfate
27. length of labor
28. going past 42 weeks
29. pooping during pushing
30. letting down my daughter before she's even born
31. embarrassing myself
32. Having the perfect birth and not feeling the sense of relief or fulfillment I think I should after working the last 3 years for a VBAC
33. Back labor
34. failure
35. my seizures becoming a problem
36. death of me or my daughter leaving my husband and son without me or having to go on without my daughter
37. my son having troubles with not being allowed in the room or by being traumatized by being in the room and seeing me in labor
38. breech presentation
39. No room in the L&D when we get there
40. Not making the right choices for fear of making the wrong choices

WHEW! What a list! But I promised myself that I would do all I could to overcome my fears in preparation for this birth... so there it is... now to work on overcoming the remaining fears rather than suppressing them.

25 Weeks and 6 Days!

2009-12-11T15:08:00.001-08:00

The Baby Shower was fantastic!

2009-11-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

The Baby Shower.... or as my aunt called it the "Halfway Party" since I am exactly halfway through the pregnancy and we didn't do gifts at the party... was spectacular. Everyone loved the cake! We decided on a layered pink and blue cake from Blackbird Bakery on Bainbridge Island. Really it was fantastic. It had dark chocolate frosting and a layer of raspberry fruit filling between the pink and blue layers.

I also made a wonderful Blue Cheese sauce that was a major hit. Everyone loved it! They put it on the steaks, the pasta, the deviled eggs... everything! LOL I knew it would be good, but I was surprised at how much of a hit it was. My mother and grandmother divided the remaining sauce to take home with them. I may just make another batch for Thanksgiving!

20 Week Ultrasound

2009-10-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

My "hour long ultrasound" lasted all of 20-30 minutes with most of that time the tech was fighting with the brand new machine. Then when Alex started having a meltdown because I couldn't pick him up another tech came in and told Shawn that he would have to leave with Alex so that they could "make sure baby is safe" what place is safer for baby than mother's womb? And if baby wasn't "safe" what could they do about it? Kristina, my Doula, and Shawn had a laugh about that one... I think I might enter that into the "My OB said WHAT?!" website

Of course the tech couldn't really say anything to me about what she was seeing, but thankfully Kristina was there and knew some parts she was looking at and told me what they were.

The one time the tech looked at the crotch area, baby had legs crossed Indian Style and we couldn't see anything... so no idea what gender is which is what I wanted anyway... Shawn was the one who wanted to know

Heart rate was 157. Baby is "measuring" 22 weeks not 20. According to http://www.babybpm.com, it's a girl!

I'm going in... (cue the Mission Impossible music)

2009-10-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

At 1pm today, I will be having an Anatomy Scan to check out the baby. It will be our last ultrasound for the pregnancy, barring any medically necessary circumstances... We will also be finding out the gender, if baby cooperates.

Actually, we will NOT be finding out the gender AT the ultrasound today... We plan to have the tech write down the gender and seal it in an envelope. We will take the envelope to a bakery where they will create a cake that is dyed blue or pink and frosted with dark chocolate... then we will take the cake to my sister's house on Sunday and cut it open to find out the gender at the baby shower she is throwing for me.

pictures to come forthwith...

Seizures

2009-10-25T12:23:00.001-07:00

Can I just say that I HATE having seizures! I know, from my experience during my pregnancy with my son, that they wont harm my baby... but they drain the life force out of me!

They leave me feeling like a puddle of goo. I have no energy to deal with my son. I feel completely useless around the house. I am tired and just want to sleep, but the muscle pain and lingering spasms from the seizure prevent me from doing so. I have been having MORE seizures this week and I just feel drained.

Ok, rant over.

It's DONE!

2009-10-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

It's done! I finally finished knitting my gift to the baby on the way. I haven't blocked it yet, but I think it turned out gorgeous!

I hate Medicaid, I hate being poor

2009-09-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Medicaid Health Insurance cutbacks, I ran out of Insulin today... I don't have enough to take my evening dose tonight! Of course I can fill it tomorrow. I called the pharmacy and they said "We can fill it at 1am." Taking my Insulin late is better than not at all right?

Not to mention I am supposed to be upping my Insulin until my blood sugar is below 90 before dinner. Medicaid wont pay for enough test strips for an entire month so I don't even know WHAT my sugar is! I ran out of strips a week ago, so I had to stop increasing my Insulin... this is a dangerous game the state is playing with my life, and the life of my unborn child.

Thank God though that I ran out of strips, or I would have run out of Insulin MUCH sooner and been completely screwed.

I tried calling my doc's office, and they called the insurance to try and get an override so I can get enough Diabetic testing supplies and Insulin to last the whole month, but they told her she had to call the pharmacy to get the prior authorization forms. The pharmacy doesn't have the forms, they always get the forms from a doctor who gets them from the insurance... so basically Medicaid is jerking around the doc and the pharmacy and playing games with MY life! I could DIE if my sugar goes too high or low, that is why I NEED test strips. I could MISCARRY if my sugar isn't controlled! I could DIE if I don't take my Insulin! But they are worried about paying for 1 box of test strips more a month, 2 more bottles of Insulin... it's enough to make me want to cry.

Stitches

2009-09-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight Alex dropped a 46oz. V8 juice can on his foot slicing his right big toe open where it meets the foot. He cried for all of a minute at home, then wanted to play, but we took a good look at it and it was so deep we took him into the ER... He required 3 stitches. I think I need a nap... and a BIG Zoloft...

I am voting NO on Initiative 1033

2009-09-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

Tim Eyman is sponsoring Initiative 1033, on our November ballot. It is based on a similar measure that passed years ago in Colorado. It led to deep cuts to public schools, roads and highways, and children’s health care. In fact, it did so much damage to that state’s economy that in 2005, Coloradans voted to suspend the law. The national recession has already cost our state thousands of jobs and forced billions in cutbacks to important local services, like education and health care. I-1033’s flawed formula will force deeper cuts and lock them in for years — meaning more job losses, more hard times for Washington families, and a longer delay waiting for our economy to recover.

Take action now to help defeat this harmful initiative in Washington. Vote NO on Initiative 1033!

I REMEMBER

2009-09-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

I want to take a moment of silence for the heroes who gave their lives to stop terrorists from completing their task.

I want to take a moment to remember those who lost their lives when the terrorists succeeded. I want to offer my sympathies to all those who lost loved ones.

I want to take a moment to thank those who continue to risk their lives to keep me and my family safe.

And I want to take a moment to tell the terrorists that they may have succeeded in bringing terror to the hearts of millions of American's but they could never break our spirit.

Pregnancy Dreams

2009-09-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a very interesting dream about birth. It was so long and detailed and when I woke up I could remember it as if it really happened.

I was in the hospital. I was up and moving around and labor pains were not as painful as I had imagined. The doc had ordered that I be monitored by a nurse throughout my labor because I was considered high risk but I had refused continuous fetal monitoring, IV or heplock, epidural, pain meds, and I refused to stay in bed much to the irritation of the hospital staff. The nurse kept trying to get me to let her check my dilation and station but I remember I told the nurse to leave me alone because I would be damned if I was going to repeat my last birth. I allowed her to check the baby’s heart tones by Doppler though whenever I was done with a big contraction, and she had managed to get me to agree to keep a blood pressure cuff on me while I wandered around my room. She also checked my blood sugar every hour.

Shawn, my husband, was sleeping in a reclined chair and Kristina, my doula, was walking around with me. Every time I had a contraction, I would stop and lean against something, and Kristina would remind me that I was a mama bear and that I was doing the right thing. At one point I sat on a giant green ball and started rocking in circles and it helped the contractions.

The doctor came in to check with the nurse on my progress and the nurse just shrugged and said that I seemed to be doing well, my blood pressures were a little high but that was to be expected since I wouldn’t sit down (that was said with a little ire), the contractions were steady and regular, the baby’s heart was strong, and I had great support… The doc asked her how dilated I was and the nurse said that I wouldn’t let her check. The doc then came to me and asked if she could check my dilation and I refused, telling her that I didn’t want any exams till I was ready to push. That there was no point to her checking me just so she could tell me I wasn’t progressing well enough or try to pressure me into a repeat c/s. I told her that we were both doing well and that that was all that mattered. Then I had a big contraction, Kristina squeezed my hand and told me to relax and think of the Temple. I remember thinking it was odd that she would remind me of that since I didn’t know that she knew that Shawn and I had been sealed together in the Temple and that that day was the most joyful day of my life. Then I remember thinking that the birth of Alex should have been the most joyful day of my life and I started crying. I remember thinking that I would not allow myself to be bullied again. When I started crying the doc got a look of concern on her face and asked if I needed pain management. I declined explaining that I wasn’t in pain, I was emotional. The doc looked at her watch (I had demanded that all the clocks in the room be removed so I wouldn’t be watching them, the only clocks were watches that various people were wearing) and said that I had been at the hospital for 7 hours and that I needed to be checked. I asked her what information they could glean from an exam and how that information would help them more than what they already knew… she said that since my water hadn’t broken I could be at risk for failure to progress. I interrupted her and told her that as long as the baby and I were ok, that I wouldn’t submit to further exams. I reminded her that I was negative for GBS and that I didn’t want to risk introducing infection to the birth canal with pointless exams. She tried to argue with me but I stood my ground and she finally just left.

Because of the stress from arguing with the doc, I had stopped contracting. I remember asking the nurse to draw a warm bath for me so I could relax. The nurse hurried off to do so. I sat down on the ball and leaned against the bedside. Kristina woke up Shawn so he could help me relax. Shawn started rubbing my back and Kristina put on my labor music… before this point I had just wanted quiet, but now I needed to get back in the zone. The nurse came in to let me know the bath was drawn and Shawn helped me head in to the bathroom. Kristina brought out some lavender essential oil and added a few drops to the bath. I sank down into the water, listened to the music and breathed in the perfumed air. I was in heaven. I started contracting again. A little bit later the nurse wanted me to get out of the bath so she could check the heart tones and my blood pressure and temperature.

I started to get up and had a major contraction and the urge to push was irresistible. I beared down and the nurse looked at me and asked if I was pushing. I told her that I was and she immediately pulled the call button and informed the front desk to get the doc in immediately. Kristina and Shawn helped me to the bed where I laid on my side and allowed the nurse to check my dilation. I was complete! It was time! I kept pushing with each contraction and urge and the nurse asked me to get on my back so she could monitor my progress… I didn’t say anything, I was concentrating too hard. She asked again and Shawn told her to shut up. He said that I would birth in the most comfortable position for me not for her. The nurse shut up. I lifted my top leg up and Kristina, who was standing in front of me at the bedside, let me rest my leg on her hip. Shawn was applying counter pressure on my back and the nurse was at the bottom of the bed trying to see. She announced that she could see the baby’s head just as the doc came in. The doc came over and put gloves on and started to reach for the baby’s head to help the baby come out. I snarled at her and told her not to touch my baby if she wanted to keep her hand. With the next push the head popped out and I felt burning. The doc said that it looked like I had torn a little. I reached down and touched my baby’s head. It was warm and wet, but it felt like there was something over the baby’s face. The doc said the baby was being born inside its sac! I put my fingers in beside the baby and stretched my vulva just a little with the next push and the baby came out. I grabbed the baby and pulled it up to my chest. I could see that the baby was still in its sac and I carefully pulled it away from the baby’s face and tore it. Water went everywhere. The doc came forward to help me get the baby out of the sac and I allowed her to suction the baby’s airway. The baby didn’t cry… it just started snorting and breathing deeply. I turned over onto my back and the doc helped me to get the baby completely out of the sac and wipe the baby off. While we worked, the baby started to cry and pink up. The nurse brought a blanket over and put it over me and the baby. I started nursing the baby. Then I thought I should find out whether we had a boy or a girl. I looked and it was a boy.

The doc told the nurse to start an IV in me to get the pitocin and fluids started and went back down to the end of the bed and attended to trying to get the placenta out. She asked Shawn if he wanted to cut the cord and he told her that we wanted to wait till it stopped pulsing. The doc started to argue with him and he just told her that we weren’t consenting to her cutting the cord and that she was wasting her breath. Finally the placenta came out, the cord stopped pulsing and the doctor was able to cut the cord and examine the placenta. She massaged my stomach roughly to aid the pitocin in shrinking my uterus to stop any bleeding. She examined the tear and found that it didn’t need stitches. Kristina brought me a big glass of orange juice, which I gladly accepted as I was parched…

Then I woke up and had to pee… Kind of an anticlimactic ending to such an amazing dream, but, there you have it. It was really amazing! I was sweating and shaking as I got up to go to the bathroom. I hope that the birth goes half that well!

My cute kid

2009-08-28T12:49:00.001-07:00

He found this wind whirly gig outside and has been blowing on it all day... I love hearing the giggles that ensue with each whirl...

my little sprout has arms and legs!

2009-08-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

problems...

2009-08-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

I had an abdominal hernia repaired in October of last year... now I am experiencing muscle spasms around the hernia patch. I called the surgeon and he said that it was most likely adhesions of the muscle that weren't allowing the muscle to move as my uterus expands... and if it is already causing problems at 10 weeks pregnant, I may end up on bed rest for the latter part of my pregnancy. They can't do a CT to make sure it's adhesions, or find out what else it might be... they can't do surgery on me because I am pregnant... so basically I just have to grin and bear it till the pregnancy is over. He did say that if it gets unbearable he can attempt a manual adhesion separation... which is basically a really rough massage of my abdomen to tear the patch away from the muscle... but then I will REQUIRE surgery to re-repair the hernia as soon as baby is born... so whether I have a VBAC or not I will be having surgery the day my baby is born...

Tacoma General

2009-08-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today was uneventful. I met my new health care team today at Tacoma General’s OBAC Unit. They weighed me (I have neither gained nor lost weight…), took my blood pressure, got a detailed history, and sent me home. No tests of my blood or urine. No visit with the physician… Just an intake visit… Took about an hour.

I was told I am “extremely high risk” because of my prior Cesarean and desire for VBAC, current Diabetes, Hypertension, and Non-epileptic Seizures. I will remain in the “extremely high risk” category till I demonstrate that my Diabetes and Hypertension are not a problem for the pregnancy. Then I will be lowered to the “moderately high risk” category.

I was told that they will not discuss VBAC with me till the third trimester but the ARNP did say that standard procedure would be something like this:

After they determine the likely weight of the baby by ultrasound in my seventh month of pregnancy… yeah, late term ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate…

And if I am not to have a macrocosmic baby… which they say is anything over 9lbs IF my Diabetes is uncontrolled…

And if I submit to NST’s weekly during my 9^th month…

And if I demonstrate my willingness to lower my risk by careful control of my Diabetes and Hypertension… no problem, I want a VBAC, I will do whatever is in my power to do to achieve that goal!

And if I don’t go more than 5 days past my estimated due date… since I went into spontaneous labor with Alex a week early, I think I should be ok… but the DO NOT induce women who have had prior cesareans, which is really a great thing, but could mean that if baby wants to bake a bit longer I may have to fight my birth team.

they will agree to allow a spontaneous trial of labor. However, this is all subject to change by the physician who cares for me based on individual circumstances… But really they are MUCH more reasonable than the UW was! I mean, the UW wanted to immediately schedule a section at 37 weeks! And when I pressed them, they grudgingly agreed to allow a ToL IF I didn’t have a baby bigger than 8lbs 13oz. no matter what the circumstances were, and I had to go into spontaneous labor by 39 weeks!

Altogether, I feel pretty good about this place. Even if I do end up with a section, I know that it wont be because they had unreasonable expectations…

Meeting my new birth team today,,,

2009-08-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

I hope it goes better than Seattle. The UW was too much stress, too much travel, too much money, too much time, too much lying by them, just too much! They are a fantastic facility, and because of them I am on Insulin and my sugars have been awesome and I found out why my blood pressure is so high, it has nothing to do with baby, so I don't have to be concerned about Pre-Eclampsia... so it wasn't a complete waste of time... but I couldn't gestate in peace knowing that they intended it slice me open at 37 weeks...

Here's hoping that Tacoma General's OBAC is a better choice... because it is my last choice!

The first ultrasound pic at 7w 6d.... And we got to see the heartbeat!

2009-08-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

A beautiful rainy day!

2009-08-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

I love the rain, I adore it... sunshine a heat be buggered!

Today is one of those perfectly gorgeous gray days, with chill in the air and the leaves on the trees being blown by the wind... ah, perfection!

I just wanted to share that with all you unfortunate souls having to endure the heat and baking sunshine.... I hope you have air conditioning!

I want a do over....

2009-08-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today, I was exposed to chicken pox... then I found out that my cousin died last Friday and my aunt is in the hospital...

I would like to redo this day... with better results.

YEAH!!!

2009-07-29T11:03:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from the UW, they got the referrals! My ObGyn told them all my health concerns and that I am wanting a VBAC and they said, "We can do that!" WOOOOOOOOT!!!!

I can barely breathe I am so excited!

Now to see if they keep their end of the bargain... I have been baited and switched too many times to not be cynical... but still!

EXCITING NEWS!

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff...

2009-07-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

And I can see so many other people jumping off with their parasails and having a wonderful time floating to the bottom of the ravine.... and I can see some people being pushed off, attached to bungee cords and being snapped back and bouncing, but they are ok in the end... and then there is me, I have no parasail, I have no bungee cord. I am just standing there... hoping I can fly and everyone is telling me I can't.

I AM PREGNANT!!!!

2009-07-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

I just found out yesterday! We are so excited to welcome baby #2 to the Blythe Family!

2 years and 5 months ago

2009-07-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

No this isn't a rewriting of the Gettysburg Address... don't worry :)

2 years and 5 months ago, my son was born, and we began our breastfeeding journey. It has been glorious, bitter, sweet, wonderful, long but too short, emotional, heart wrenching, and nerve wracking... It has brought us closer together, it has nourished my precious baby, and my own soul. It helped me to heal emotionally from my cesarean.

And now it is over.

Alex has weaned himself down to only nursing to sleep, and I have decided that it is time to take the final step and stop nursing altogether. I am done. This relationship has given and taken from me in so many ways. It has changed me, for the better I hope.... but I am ready for it to be over. I am ready to have my body back. I am ready to be able to wear whatever I feel like wearing any time I want to without having to worry about if it is nursing friendly or not... I am ready to sleep at night without laying in contorted positions to accommodate a nursling...

Ah, the bittersweet taste of ending one phase of life and starting another... but it is time... I look forward to a lifetime of similar such experiences!

Moral Relativism vs. Moral Nihilism

2009-07-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia:

"Moral relativism is the position that moral or ethical propositions do not reflect objective and/or universal moral truths, but instead make claims relative to social, cultural, historical or personal circumstances. ....moral nihilism completely denies the existence of any objective morality."

In his April, 2009 talk, The Power of Covenants, Elder D. Todd Christofferson says: "...We need strong Christians who can make important things happen by their faith and who can defend the truth of Jesus Christ against moral relativism..."

I am confused.

The Gospel is RIDDLED with examples of moral relativism! Christ himself practiced it on numerous occasions! Even recently, we have a case of moral relativism in the LDS church... take a look at The Proclamation on the Family... it says:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."

Yet we are admonished by an Apostle to avoid it. I think that Elder Chistofferson should have said "moral nihilism" instead. There IS an objective morality, however... circumstances vary, as the Church can obviously see.... I understand that Elder Christofferson is a human with human flaws, and I accept that this may have been one of them. I DO believe that moral nihilism is a cancer that is eating at our society.

I guess I just wanted to rant and get this all off my chest.... thanks for listening.

Good for a laugh

2009-07-02T22:55:00.001-07:00

While I was on a road trip with my grandma last month, my husband filmed this gem of my son.

Bright Boy

2009-06-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

Alex has been walking around the house saying "book" over and over and over.... many times he will bring a book to me and climb up in my lap for me to read it to him. I love that he is interested in reading!

This morning we read a book called "The Trucks Book" by Harry McNaught. Actually, this wasn't the first time we read it. It is so used and worn, Alex carries it around with him a lot and likes to look at all the different "cars", as he says. But this morning as we were reading it, he was pointing at the tires on each of the trucks and saying "a, o". He was connecting the shape of the tires to letters that he has been studying on Starfall!

MY TWO YEAR OLD RECOGNIZES LETTERS!!!! He knows which letters are round, and can name them when he sees round objects! I am just so proud of him.

Lowest Tide of the Year

2009-06-23T20:46:00.001-07:00

At Point No Point Beach

Small and simple things make life worth living

2009-06-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have decided to blog about small and simple moments that make me smile... or make me think... or make me grateful to be me... It is high time I started recognizing the small and simple miracles in my life.

My moment for today was sitting on the couch on a chilly afternoon with a sleeping baby, sipping New York Apple Spice herbal tea, and watching it rain.... ah, perfection...

Thank God for Food Storage... even though it wasn't mine...

2009-06-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I ran out of basic pantry essentials!

I just take for granted most of the time that certain things are in my pantry, so when I went to make a loaf of onion bread and found that I was out of onion soup mix, I was a bit perturbed.... but I went to make a substitute and found that I was also out of Worcestershire sauce, dried minced onion, beef bullion, and many other things!

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!!!

So now I have all the wet ingredients all mixed together to make onion bread and they are just sitting there, waiting for my grandma to bring me some dried minced onion and beef bullion from her food storage....

*sigh*

My Saturday....

2009-06-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

We had a great time today!

We visited with a friend who is moving away for a bit today and then kidnapped my grandma and headed down to Allyn for the World Wide Knit in Public Day... we got there around 2 and stayed till 4. I won a knitting book called "Charmed Knits" about knitting Harry Potter stuff..... Then we drove up the other side of the Hood Canal and stopped in Quilcene for hand-dipped ice cream (it's a tradition in our family to stop when we go through Quilcene) and then came home.... we just got home around 7:30!

It was a FANTASTIC day!

SCARE TACTICS SUCK!

2009-05-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

We took my grandma to Round Table Pizza today, and really enjoyed ourselves! Great food, great atmosphere, great company! But....

On our way home, standing on the street corner, were some people who oppose Planned Parenthood and abortion... that in itself didn't bother me... I am not opposed to peaceful demonstrations.... but this was NOT peaceful!

They were carrying giant posters with pictures of mutilated babies, parts of aborted fetuses, and scary looking surgical equipment... with the word "CHOICE" above it all... it was horrifying!

I think they were more than capable of getting their message across without resorting to scare tactics!

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

Rockin' out to Kingdom Hearts.... oh yeah

2009-05-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

My little dancer, aka Alexander, LOVES music and will dance to just about anything! Well, except for Country/Western, which he screams at until it is silenced....

Just now he was headbanging and hopping and jumping and dancing up a storm to the video game Shawn is playing. And of course, dad obliges by making the character on the screen "dance" by quickly tapping the forward button so the character wiggles across the screen.... they are both in tears from laughter!

Ah, the good life!

The Temple

2009-05-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for the Temple!

I got to go to the Temple yesterday and it was wonderful. I felt true peace for the first time since my depression started last month. I was reminded of God's love for ME... not in an abstract way, but in a personal, He LOVES ME, Jennifer, the imperfect human being with challenges and struggles. He LOVES ME, even when I don't do everything right. He LOVES ME and KNOWS ME and KNOWS MY trials... He can help ME to get through it.

Last night I slept so well. I don't think I have slept THAT well for months! Today I am still at peace. I don't feel like there is a festering hole in my soul anymore. I feel like I WILL get through this and be better.

Before, I just knew intellectually that I could get through it. An abstract thought... based on the fact that I hadn't killed myself and that I had such a great support system. People who cared for me and wanted me to get better. I knew that others had come through it... but now, I BELIEVE that I not only CAN but I WILL get better.

Mental Health

2009-04-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have been having a hard time lately.... most of you know all about it, but for those who don't I will summarize.

I went for a long time with no seizures, and had gotten my hopes up that they were finally gone for good. I had been planning to move on with life in general and get a job and all that jazz... I was really excited! Then, Monday, April 13, 2009 I had three seizures back to back. I was devastated... and became depressed and suicidal.

The last two weeks have been really hard. I have had seizures nearly every day, and nightmares every time I managed to fall asleep. I couldn't sleep most nights and if it weren't for my husband, Church, friends, and family, I probably would have succeeded in committing suicide. I was convinced that I was not strong enough to handle this relapse.

Thanks to my awesome support group, I am still here.... and I can finally say that I am doing better. I have slept well since last Friday with no nightmares, I am getting mental health treatment, my doctor put me on Prozac, and I am making time to go to the Temple this coming Friday.

I am taking every day as it comes and not pressuring myself to "run faster than I am able". My house is a disaster, I had cupcakes for dinner last night, and I am lucky if I shower every day.... but I am taking care of me and my son and my husband in the ways that matter most.... and working on strengthening our family and getting me better.

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes that have been coming our way... please keep them coming... I may be able to see the stars now, but it is a long way till dawn!

Easter

2009-04-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

We really had a great Easter week this year. We avoided the commercialized aspects of what Easter has become in America... what with bunnies that lay eggs and massive marketing of candy and Easter baskets and toys.... We focused on Christ and what he went through. It really was an uplifting week! This video is really fantastic!

I did get a few comments on how we were really taking the fun out of holidays, since we don't celebrate Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, et al.... but Shawn and I believe that it is wrong to tell our children that these things are true and then have them find out later that we were lying to them, how can they trust that we are telling the truth about Christ!?

Real Women. Real Lives

2009-03-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

Cesarean Awareness Month

April 2009

Alexander's Cesarean Birth Story
(RAW and UNEDITED)

Alexander, the star of the show

Please visit http://www.ican-online.org/ to learn more about cesarean prevention and recovery.

In February of 2002, while working as a CNA at a nursing home in Indiana, I got an accidental triple dose of Depo Provera from the charge nurse on duty that caused me to have amenorrhea and seizures.

The Depo Provera had been prescribed to one of the elderly patients at the nursing home who had been experiencing massive, unstoppable uterine bleeding even though she was in menopause. The docs prescribed the triple dose to stop her from bleeding, and the medicine did what it was supposed to do, so the doctors discontinued the medicine for the woman. The charge nurse didn’t realize that it was triple the normal dose for a healthy 20 year old looking to control her fertility, and when I told her that I was planning to go to a clinic to get the shot the next day, she told me that she could give me the shot right then so I didn’t have to waste my time and money. Who knew that a simple 2 second injection would cause me to have four years of amenorrhea and seizures that have not stopped to this day!

Most men would run for the hills when their girlfriend of just a few months started having such serious health problems, but despite all the medical problems, my husband and I married in March of 2002. I was in between stays in the critical care unit of the hospital, I wearing a heart monitor, and a pretty flowered Sunday dress. My husband wore a white shirt and tie with his black jeans. Neither of our local parents approved of the marriage and so we were married in front of the local judge with his two secretaries as our witnesses. There was an ice storm that day, and our tires on the car were flat, so my husband had to fix the tires wearing his dress clothes before we could leave. After the marriage, we stayed in the car for three days because neither of our parents would take us in. We had been staying at his parent’s home before the marriage.

click to view a larger version of our wedding vows

We struggled for 3 ½ years through my health problems, going from one doctor to the next trying to figure out why I was still not having periods after so long… no one could answer the question, and better yet, they all said that the Depo Provera, while being an unfortunate accident, could not have been the cause of my seizures that started the day after I got the shot…. I also was able to, despite my health problems, go back to school to get an Associate’s Degree in Paralegal Studies before moving to Washington state in July of 2005.

When we moved to Washington, my mother suggested that I see a ObGyn who was a specialist in reproductive health and who saw her when she was pregnant with my older sister and I. He actually delivered my sister and I via c-section, and was hailed at that time as the foremost expert in women’s health in the area… that was 25 years before I first saw him for my own problems. He prescribed Glucophage (Metformin) for me to take and I was amazed to see that for the first time in almost four years, I had a period! I was overjoyed and thanked him profusely for returning my fertility and restoring that part of me that I had lost to Depo Provera. That was August of 2005.

I found out July 7th 2006 that I was pregnant. My husband had taken me to the emergency room because I had been having trouble breathing. The doctor wanted to do a chest x-ray and asked me if I was pregnant. I told him, rather proudly, that it was possible because I was sexually active and I had a healthy reproductive system. He knew nothing of my history and thought I was being cheeky, but I didn’t care, I was just happy that I could actually say that I had the possibility of being pregnant. I didn’t think I was, of course, even though we had been using natural family planning techniques to get pregnant for months. The doctor ordered a urine pregnancy test just to be sure before he preformed the x-ray. While we waited what seemed like 15 minutes for someone to come in and tell us that I could go have the x-ray done, we joked about how we would celebrate if I were really pregnant. The x-ray tech came in and said, “Well, I guess we will just have to use a lead shield, now won’t we!” My jaw dropped. I asked him if that meant I was really pregnant and he froze. “They didn’t tell you yet?” I told him that we had not heard anything yet and he turned on his heel and left the room without another sound. He came back with the nurse who had preformed the test and she perfunctorily told us that the test was positive and left. My husband and I collapsed into each other in tears. It was a miracle! WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!

Of course, we continued to see the ObGyn, who we hailed for returning our fertility to us, for my prenatal care. It turned out that I was already 7 weeks pregnant, and so the doctor stopped my Glucophage treatment, as we had only been using it to get pregnant. For the next 3 months, we researched every little thing we could on pregnancy and came to the conclusion that we would be trying for a natural, unmedicated childbirth. When we broached the topic with our miracle worker of a doctor, he told us, before we got to the part about wanting to do it naturally, without medication, that he was sure that we would be needing a cesarean section and got out his calendar to schedule it.

I was floored. Here I was 5 months pregnant, I had gone through every test this doctor wanted me to go through, had been pronounced healthy and praised for my dietary choices and other habits such as the fact that I had never smoked or consumed alcohol in my life, that I had no diabetes, liver problems, heart problems, etc… that normally plague women of considerable size. I had miraculously, and for no known cause, stopped having seizures since I got pregnant. (We were actually celebrating the end of my seizures before we found out I was pregnant, and were attributing the miracle to the fact that I had regained my fertility and thought that the seizures were hormone driven and that they were finally gone now that I was back to normal.) And the doctor wanted me to schedule an elective c-section JUST BECAUSE I WAS OBESE!!!!!

I sat there dumbfounded for several minutes before I could speak, and then all I said was “No. I want to have a normal birth.” My husband was so shocked that he could not even collect his thoughts till we were in the car on the way home. The doctor argued with me for quite some time, telling me that it would not be safe for a woman of my size to vaginally birth a macrocosmic baby, and they were estimating by the ultra sounds that my baby was to be about 10 pounds at birth. I told him that I would still like to at least be given the opportunity to try. He told me that my mother had a small pelvis and that was why she had to have c-sections with her three children, and that it was likely that I also had a small pelvis. I told him to check MY pelvis and make a determination on MY health, not my mother’s health because her genetics only made up half of my genetics. At the time I didn’t realize that pelvic structure is NOT an inherited problem. He finally agreed to let us have our way. We didn’t ever get to tell him at that time that we were considering a natural, unmedicated childbirth.

I started to have sciatic pain about this time, and Dr. Z sent me to a physical therapist who did wonders for my pain. I also started having seizures again when I was 6 months pregnant, because of the stress from the seizures resuming, my blood pressure started to rise. However our doctor said that it was normal for anxiety to cause elevated pressures and was not concerned that I was experiencing pre-eclampsia. He started having me come in frequently to have my pressures checked though, because it could still cause problems for my baby. I also spent much time in the hospital maternity ward having my baby’s heart tones checked and making sure that my seizures were not affecting him. During one of my visits to the hospital, our doctor ordered that I be given Ativan, and anti-epileptic medication, by IV. I told the nurses that I did not have epilepsy and had been on every anti-epileptic from here to the moon and none had been effective. They telephoned the doctor who told them that if I was going against his medical advice that they should discharge me. I was in the throes of a seizure for crying out loud! I didn’t want to be discharged until it was over and we made sure that my baby was fine. I agreed to take the Ativan, with the stipulation that they only give me half of the one milligram the doctor had ordered. They talked to the doctor, who agreed, and we proceeded. Thankfully, none of my seizures throughout my third trimester ever affected my baby.

Despite our growing uncomfortable feelings about our doctor, we continued with him for a few more weeks till we decided to go over our birth plan with him. He had been reading our birth plan, snickering every few seconds, and telling us that we had unreasonable expectations and that it was normal for first time parents to have these wild fantasy births all concocted in their brains but that reality was much different. Then, we told him that we were taking the Bradley Method classes. He stopped cold, and sat completely frozen for a minute before telling us that “Those people don’t like me.” He told us that if we were set on continuing in the Bradley Method that we would have to find a different doctor.

We obliged.

We transferred to another doctor in his practice. OUR FIRST VISIT, she comes walking in the door with a scowl on her face, looked at my chart briefly, and turned to us and said, “Why did you want to switch from Dr. Z?” We responded that it was at his request that we transfer, because he was uncomfortable with our birthing wishes. She frowned and looked again at my record and said, “You know, you will HAVE to have a cesarean because you are fat.” I looked at her incredulously, thanked her for her time, and left.

Because we are on state Medicaid, our choices for an ObGyn were very limited, unless we wanted to travel out of our county…. Or get a midwife. I started calling around to the local midwives and found that only one of them took my insurance…. And she wasn’t willing to take me on because of my seizures and my weight. We ended up at the other ObGyn practice in the county that accepted our insurance. The doctor I wanted, who had been recommended to me by the midwife I talked to because he was very natural minded, was going to be unavailable in February of 2007 when my baby was due, so I was placed with another doctor in the practice. Dr. K was fantastic, he was very congenial and put my husband and I at ease. We went over our birth plan with him and, after making some minor changes, he said that he could accommodate our wishes, unless my or my baby’s life was in danger. We were pleased that our last option for a local doctor was going to be such a nice one.

Dr. K didn’t get a complete medical history from my previous ObGyn. He got the chart notes and test results…. That was it. Based on the fact that an ObGyn had prescribed Glucophage to a woman, he wrote in my notes that I had Gestational Diabetes, completely disregarding the fact that my glucola test came back normal and that the Glucophage had been discontinued at the beginning of my pregnancy. He also, looking at the recent rise in my pressures, diagnosed me with pre-eclampsia, and did a 12 hour protein urine test on me. (I had to take a large bottle home with me and every time I peed for 12 hours, I had to put the pee into the bottle.) The test came back with a slight elevation in protein, that was still too low to diagnose pre-eclampsia, but combined with my blood pressures, he told me that we were going to treat me as if I had pre-eclampsia. I didn’t know the whole story behind it, and when I asked him what the treatment entailed he said that it simply meant that when I went into labor that they would put me on IV magnesium sulfate. That was it, that was all there was to it... he said.

When I was 36 weeks pregnant, Dr. K told me that he wanted to induce me at 39 weeks because of my pre-eclampsia... somewhere in the last 2 months I had gone mysteriously from “We’re going to treat you as if you had pre-eclampsia.” to “You have pre-eclampsia.” Where, I don’t know, and to be honest, I don’t even think I protested, as it was such a gradual change… and because of “fetal macrocosmia”. They were predicting that if I went to full term, my baby would be between 11 and 13 pounds. They scared me into believing that it was impossible to push out such a large baby and that if I was not induced, I would have to have a cesarean. I was NOT going to have a cesarean! I had worked too hard to avoid a cesarean! So I agreed that if I had not gone into labor by February 22, that I would agree to be induced... At least he was not telling me to have a planned cesarean… I had had a hard enough time arguing with my family members who thought I was crazy for NOT scheduling a cesarean when they found out that my baby was to be a big boy.

Final pregnancy photos

My labor pains started naturally, on their own, on the 12th of February. We timed them, excitedly, as they grew stronger and closer. When they didn’t go away after we tried all of the things that are supposed to make false labor go away, we called the doctor. It was 8am on February 14th.

Looking back, I would have stayed home throughout the first stage labor and transition period... It probably would have saved me from having a c-section… Ah the excitement of youth and ignorance! We were told to go to labor and delivery at the hospital to see if the contractions were real or false labor. We were admitted at 12 noon on February 14th.

We had managed to retain the services of a Doula. Well to be exact, she was a massage therapist who was also taking classes to become a Doula…. She was a Doula-in-training and was providing her services to me at no charge, because she had to attend so many births before she could graduate. She was also providing me with massage therapy. She had told us to call her when we were on our way to the hospital and that she would meet us there. When we called, however, she told us to call her later, when we were “in real labor”.

When we got to the hospital, we handed out a stack of our pre-printed birth plans. We posted one on our door, had one put in our chart, gave one to every person who was working and had extras for all the people on the next shift. Several of the nurses commented on how thorough the plan was for being only one page long single spaced. How it covered everything, how it was easy to read and skim through to find what they wanted to know. Then we heard those same nurses snickering in the hallway about how unrealistic it was to want a natural, unmedicated, vaginal birth. Comments about my weight were thrown about as jokes. Bets about how long it would take me to cave and ask for drugs were thrown around right outside my door. I was livid.

Dr. K. came in to check on me and saw that they were indeed real labor. He suggested that we induce my cervix that night to speed up the process, as I had been having contractions for 2 days and was only at 1 centimeter dilation. My husband and I agreed because we had already gone into labor… what could go wrong?

He told me that they would insert Cervadil that evening at 5pm, and that 12 hours later they would take out the Cervadil and put me on IV Pitocin. He said they needed to start an IV now though to make sure I stayed hydrated.

I remember mentioning that he agreed to my birth plan and that it stated that I wanted to have free access to light food and water or juice… and was told that it was not a good idea, just in case I wanted pain meds or had to have a cesarean. I told them that I wasn’t going to have a cesarean and that I had my own methods of dealing with the pain, but they ignored me. He was going back on his agreements! This was the beginning of the end… Dr. K also told me that he was leaving that night to go on a family vacation and that Dr. R would be taking care of me.

Boy did they have a time starting the IV! They stuck me 9 times trying to find a good vein! I tried to tell them that they should just start the IV in my hand as the veins there are better than the ones in my arms, but they had to try anyway just to try and prove that they can start an IV in the hardest patient. Finally, they brought in the supervisor who started the IV in my left hand, after popping a vein in my right wrist. I ended up having to have the anesthesiologist come in to adjust the IV later, but it all turned out ok in the end.

As soon as the IV was in, they told me that I couldn’t get up except to go to the bathroom, and then I had to have a nurse present to do so. They hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and the soothing, rhythmic sounds of my baby’s strong heartbeat comforted me as I was told to not move… for some reason they had trouble keeping the heart tones… later we found out that it was because I had a condition called polyhydramneos (too much amniotic fluid) and my son was swimming away from the ultra sound waves created by the heart monitor… every time they adjusted the monitor to find his heart tones, he would move away. LOL, I should have trusted my baby! He knew that the monitor was bad news!

As soon as everyone cleared the room, I called our Doula back. I wanted to tell her that we were in real labor and that we would appreciate it if she could come down to the hospital and help support me through it. She was in a massage therapy appointment when I called, though, and quickly told us that we should call her the next day when I got put on the Pitocin. Disappointed, yet again. I hung up. It was about 3pm.

Between 3pm and 5pm, three separate people came in to offer me IV pain meds. When I reminded them that my birth plan was very specific about my not wanting pain meds even offered, they each told me that the meds were designed to help me relax and to move things along.

During my Bradley classes we had learned that pain meds can actually slow things down and also can make the baby’s heart rate decel, both of which would move me closer to the dreaded c-section. I tried to explain this to them, but they all tried to persuade me that just a little wouldn’t hurt…. I was reminded of two things…. Drug pushers on the street selling drugs to kids, and crabs on a beach… if you have ever been crabbing at a beach you know what I am talking about. If you haven’t then I will tell you the story:

You can dig a small hole just big enough to put your bucket in to hold it still, so the sand comes halfway up your bucket. Put a little water in your bucket and then start throwing crabs in. They will NEVER get out. No matter how many crabs you put in the bucket, they will never get out. The reason is that as one tries to climb up, the others pull it back down to the bottom in their fury to get out. They never work together to solve the problem, they just keep each other at the same level. Really it is quite sad. It seems the same way to me with some women. They can’t stand the idea that someone might be able to labor without drugs… they couldn’t, so why should anyone else? After all, we all know how horrible labor pains can be, a person would have to be masochistic to want to endure the unendurable… right?

At about 5pm a nurse came in to insert the Cervadil to start my cervix dilating and effacing faster. When she checked my cervix it had dilated on its own to a one. I was excited to see that my body was doing its job and told her that if I was progressing so well that I would appreciate it if they wouldn’t mind letting me continue without being “sped up”. She told me that she HAD to insert the Cervadil because it was doctor’s orders, but that she would call the doctor and ask if it could be removed. She inserted the medicine and left.

She never did call the doctor.

I asked her at about 8pm when I needed to get up to go to the bathroom, if she had gotten any news from the doctor and she told me that she had forgotten to call about it, “You aren’t the only woman on the labor unit you know!” But she did manage to ask me if my pain meds were working well. I told her that I didn’t have any pain meds, and she interrupted me in shock saying that she would remedy that… there’s no reason to be in pain when we have such wonderful medicines out there. I reminded her that I didn’t want pain meds and she scowled at me and tried again to tell me that the meds would have no effect on my baby and that I needed to relax and let my body work uninterrupted… I declined again and she left.

We went through the night having fairly painful, but not unmanageable, contractions about 30 seconds to 2 minutes apart. However, because we were not allowed to move, we were not allowed to listen to our birth cd…we had brought a stereo for our cd, but didn’t know the stereo had to be checked by maintenance before we could plug the darn thing in, we weren’t allowed to eat or drink, because they had a hard time keeping my baby on the heart monitor, I was not allowed to turn on my side, so we couldn’t use massage or counterpressure, or use any of our other means of pain control except my husband just being there… The nurses came in every two hours to “check my progress” which was also painful, as they were nowhere near what I would call gentle. Not to mention the constant barrage of nurses and aides who just wanted me to accept pain meds, it was completely draining emotionally to fight them, and my doula was a no show. By morning we were both exhausted.

A nurse came to remove the medicine at 5am, she checked my cervix again, it had dilated to one and a half. All that work all night long and all we got was a lousy half centimeter! She went away and left us to have breakfast before she started the IV of Pitocin.

Breakfast consisted of one slice of dry toast and 1 cup of lukewarm chicken broth with parsley in it. My husband went to get himself some breakfast. With my contractions slowing down, I managed to sleep a little. I woke to a powerful contraction and my husband sitting next to me watching the spikes on the contraction monitor. Apparently, they had started the Pitocin while I was asleep.

I called my Doula, again to tell her that they had started the Pitocin, and she said that she had some people coming for massage, but she would be there as soon as she could. I wasn’t holding my breath at this point.

My dreams of my ideal birth were being blown away in the windstorm of reality. I began to realize what Dr. Z had been talking about when he said that my dreams were unattainable… I almost wished that I had taken him up on his offer to schedule a c-section just so I could avoid all the disappointment… almost… it was just a desperate wild thought of a starved, stressed, tired, laboring woman who had been on constant defense against the nurses for hours… It was no wonder I had not progressed much, my body was telling me that I was not in my safe place, my cave had been invaded…

By noon, my cervix was dilated on the outside to 3 but on the inside only to 1. I was told that they would be coming in a couple of hours to break my water. I wasn’t progressing fast enough and they had to do something or I would be “timed out” and have to be taken in for a cesarean for “failure to progress”.

After two hours, and one more painful vaginal exam and three offers of pain meds, they came in to break my water. FINALLY!

I was done.

I had nothing left to give, I was exhausted physically and emotionally, starved, thirsty, beaten down by the constant barrage of offers of pain meds, bereft of comfort from a fellow woman, worried about my poor husband who was exhausted as well and obviously in pain. He suffers from DJD and Fibromyalgia and sitting in the chairs at the hospital was not kind to his body.

I was SO READY to be done with this labor. I wanted my baby. I wanted to have “the prize” the whole reason that I had endured the endless hours of torture… I was holding on to the last shred of my dream that I would push out a beautiful, healthy, big baby boy and hold him in my arms and nurse him… to look in his eyes and be able to bond with him… to know that it was for him that I would walk through fire for…

But it was not to be.

It was 2pm on February 15th. Despite my distress , in the last two hours my cervix had dilated to 4 centimeters. However, when they started to break my water, they found that my baby had not engaged in the pelvis at all, in fact, he would float away when they touched his head! They did another ultrasound and determined that I had Polyhydramneos… too much amniotic fluid. They could not break the water with him like that because his umbilical cord had the risk of prolapse.

We talked to Dr. R, and she said that I had a couple of options. We could continue the Pitocin, and wait till I had completely dilated to ten centimeters and check to see if my baby had engaged, although she had to warn us that this was dangerous because my water could break on its own and prolapse the cord. She also said that after dilating to a four he should have been engaged and might not be engaging because of his size and the fact that all the pre-pregnancy belly fat that I had had settled at the bottom of my belly causing a smaller area for him to engage in.

On the other hand, we could do a C-section now, which would be preferable because then we would not have to worry about my baby dying before they could get him out and my husband would definitely be at the birth, whereas if I had an emergency cesarean and had to be knocked out, he would not be allowed in the O.R.

Yeah, she pulled the "dead baby" card on me...

We told Dr. R that we had been trying for the last nine months to have a natural, unmedicated childbirth so that we could give our baby what we believed to be the best start in life. We explained to her that we had researched and attended the Bradley Method classes, argued with family and friends about the benefits of a natural childbirth, done all that we could do to stay low risk and healthy, we had even changed doctors three times to find a doctor who would work with us to achieve that goal!

She countered by saying that we had been trying for four and a half years to conceive a child, did we really want to risk his life because we wanted a natural, unmedicated childbirth? She told us that we were being incredibly selfish and told us about other babies who had died before they could perform the cesarean because of the parent’s selfish unwillingness to do what was best for their child just so they could have the “birth of their dreams”. She told us that our primary concern should be for the welfare of our child and that if we were to be parents we couldn’t let selfish desires cloud our ability to make the right choices.

SELFISH, DEAD BABY, MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES... yeah...

We asked Dr. R. to give us some time to discuss the matter. After many tears and heartfelt prayers about what we should do, we decided that we could not risk our baby’s life to satisfy our desire for a natural birth experience. We called in Dr. R. and informed her of our “decision” such as it was.

She wrote in the record that we requested an informed elective cesarean… we were bullied, cajoled, lied to, shamed… it was ANYTHING but elective!

At least I was allowed to get out of bed! They let me get up to pee and then sat me down in a rocking chair and strapped the monitor back on and told my husband to keep pushing on it so the baby's heart tones would be read... but at least I was off my back!

I called my grandmother and asked her to call my mother and let her know that I needed her and that we were going to have a c-section. Then I called my doula… when I told her that I was having a cesarean she said, “Well, I guess you don’t need me anymore!” and she quickly got off the phone. She never came. I saw her at church a few months later, and she fawned over my baby and crowed that she had graduated from Doula school… I wanted to tell her that I hoped that she never offered her services to another poor person again. She was not trustworthy… I NEEDED HER!!! I needed her support and guidance and her energy… I needed her even more when I found out I was having a cesarean! I needed emotional support and she was nowhere to be found. I guess you really do get what you pay for…

My mother and grandmother came and said that they were glad we had made the right choice... they stayed with me to comfort me and to listen to my tears. They told me that I could have saved myself a lot of trouble by just listening to Dr. Z at the beginning... even my father said later when I called him that Dr. Z had a way of knowing which women would have a cesarean...

An hour after our “decision” we had the epidural placed and at 4pm I went into surgery. My husband had to get all dressed in surgical gowns and cap to go into the surgery, he looked so proud that he was going to have a son...

Dave, me and my husband just before the surgery

All I could think was that we had lost everything we had fought for. It was stolen from us. I thought back over the last two days and realized that I really never had the chance to have the birth I dreamed of. They had decided just by looking at me that I couldn’t do it, and they were against me from then on.

Dave, the anesthesiologist who fixed my IV when none of the nurses could get it to work the day before, also was the anesthetist for the surgery. We really liked his sense of humor and his gentle touch. He was so sensitive to our needs… we had talked to him while he did the IV the day before about our dreams for our birth, and now he nearly cried with us as he had me lean forward over the table so he could place the epidural. He asked me to tell him if it was off center, and when he stuck me the first time, it was off to the right just a tad and he gently pulled it out and stuck a new needle in the right space. Once it was in he told me that I would feel cold creep up my back and down my hips from the medication. I was grateful that he, out of all the people I had to deal with at the hospital, was kind and willing to explain everything as it was happening and make sure that I was absolutely comfortable. I think he could see how depressed and forlorn I was.

I was laid down on the bed and had to wait fifteen minutes for the epidural to take full effect. Dave stayed with me the entire time, talking to me, explaining what the cesarean would be like. Assuring me that I had done my best. Smoothing my hair back and holding my hand... listening to me cry and telling me that it would all be over soon... I was so thankful for him.

Then I was wheeled into the O.R. where I stayed on the same bed to have the cesarean. When Dr. R. began to cut, I felt the knife cut into my skin. It was a curious sensation, not painful at all. It felt like a pencil being draw across my skin. I mused to my husband and the anesthetist that it was as close as I would come to feeling the birth of my son. The anesthetist promptly told them to stop cutting, kicked up the drugs, and removed any feeling from my body before telling the Dr. to continue.

I cried. I WANTED to FEEL something!

My surgery

Dave stroked my hair and I caught a tear rolling down his cheek. My husband held my hand and tried to see over the separation curtain to see the surgery. The adrenalin that he put in the epidural to keep my blood pumping and keep me from going into shock made me shake like a leaf in autumn. My husband thought I was having a seizure until Dave told him about the adrenalin. Amazingly, throughout the entire ordeal, my entire six days in the hospital, I didn’t have a single seizure.

Dr. R. preformed a high vertical C-section because of the position of my baby and as soon as she opened me up she started calling for more suction and commenting on how much water there was. Apparently, the normal amount of fluid present at full term is about a half liter, she said that she would estimate that I had about three liters! That is why my baby would not engage in the pelvis! He was floating! She said he was in a swimming pool, there was so much water. Dr. R. said that no matter how long we waited, he would never have engaged in the pelvis because of the amount of water there was, and breaking the water was too dangerous, so it seems that the c-section was inevitable.

I later found out, from a midwife, that Polyhydramneos is easily resolved by the careful birth attendant who pokes a tiny hole in the bag of waters and letting the water to drain slowly out, allowing the child to gently engage in the pelvis. The belly fat issue that so concerned Dr. R. was another lie, as fat is squishy and easily moves aside when the baby comes. Also, if they had broken my water and the cord prolapsed, there is a 30 minute window where they can safely deliver the baby either vaginally or by cesarean before the baby is in any real danger… babies are born all the time with their cords wrapped around their necks… my perfectly healthy baby boy was never in any real danger of dying in the hospital, with emergency services on hand.

When they lifted my son out, my husband stood up saw the baby, followed the cord down to my body and promptly sat down. He later told me that it was the most awful thing he had ever seen. They had opened me up from navel to pubic hair, taken my uterus outside my body, where they did a low transverse cut on it, yanked my baby out by his head, and cut the cord.

Our son was born at 4:12pm Thursday, February 15, 2007. His first cry is engraved on my memory in a way that I will never forget. I was shaking so hard and uncontrollably from the adrenalin, but when I heard him cry it was like time stood still. I stopped shaking, my heart seemed to skip a beat, I couldn’t even breathe! His voice was so pure and beautiful, it was the most heart-stopping moment of my life! I remember thinking that I wished I could have seen him and felt him at that moment. But I couldn’t, I had to wait.

My first glimpse of my son just before got taken to the nursery

After cutting the umbilical cord, they showed Alex to me, he was so pudgy and cute! I reached up and touched his head, but then they took him away to be examined by the pediatrician. He scored perfectly on his Apgar test. I actually heard Alex sucking his hands from across the room. The pediatrician said that he came out with a great sucking reflex… Another lost moment, I could have used that sucking reflex to start the breastfeeding relationship! Everyone commented that he was so big. He weighed in at 9 pounds 12 ounces, and was 19 inches long. He was quite bloated though from sitting in so much water. They asked if we wanted him circumcised and we both responded vehemently that we were not mutilating our son’s penis. They backed off. That was one point we were NOT negotiating on and they understood that at once... I only wish we had been so determined about the rest of our wishes!

Alex's inspection

After the pediatrician saw him they wrapped him up and let my husband bring him back to me so I could see him again before he took him to the nursery to be cleaned up and have the necessary procedures done while they removed the placenta to be reviewed by the pediatrician and the ObGyn, sewed up my uterus, stuffed it back inside me, sewed up my muscles and stapled my skin back together, inserted a drain bulb, and sent me back to my room to recover. Dave stayed with me the whole time. I was grateful for that. I can't say enough about Dave.

My husband would not let the nurse carry the baby to the nursery. My mom told me later that he was so protective of Alex that he wouldn’t let them touch him without thoroughly explaining each move first. He gave Alex his first bath, and then because I could not breastfeed him immediately after birth as we had planned, Alex’s blood sugar came back a little low, he called me up and told me that they would have to feed him at least 15 cc of formula to get his sugar up before allowing him to come to my room, so we decided to give him soy formula because my mom said as a baby I had lactose intolerance. They did not put the drops in Alex’s eyes before my husband got an hour of bonding time with him, at least my husband was with him, even if I could not be.

I continued to cry. Comforted by people who kept assuring me that "At least you have a healthy baby!" and continued to crow over how perfect he was.... I felt forgotten. I had served my purpose. The baby had been born. I was not necessary any more. My feelings weren't important. I was told by several people that I should be happy, that I should be feeling that baby high, that I should be.....

In recovery, one hour after the birth, I get to see my son again

In recovery, I was made to lie on my back completely flat for the whole first hour. The doctor came in and administered antibiotics and more magnesium sulfate. Alex was brought to me an hour later and I was allowed to be sat up at a 15 degree angle to hold him briefly before my mother and grandmother snatched him away to cuddle with him.

The proud Grandma and Great-Grandma

I then tried to latch him on, but couldn’t get him positioned over my sore belly well enough, so the nurse laid me down flat and I rolled painfully to my side and the nurse manhandled my breast to get Alex to latch on. But when she did, the boy went at it like a pro!

We never had problems breastfeeding, he came out knowing how to do it! We had also been to a few La Leche League meetings during my last trimester. I met some fantastic women there who helped me learn the ins and outs of breastfeeding. At least I could do that right. I clung to that. I made it my mission to breastfeed my son. Even though I resented him...

The doctor came to see how I was doing the next day and when she saw how fast I was healing she was a little surprised. Apparently high vertical c-section patients take longer to heal than low horizontal patients…no one told me that… if they had known I didn’t know it, they probably would have told me just to ruin my confidence in my body’s ability to heal after crisis... they had already taken everything else away...

My husband was so exhausted from taking care of Alex and me, night and day. He did not get much sleep, I think about 8 hours the whole time we were in the hospital from Wednesday at noon till Sunday at about 4pm. We roomed in with our new baby, refusing all attempts to take him to the nursery. We didn’t want them to take him out of our sight. They might have given him sugar water or a binky or ignored his cries, or not brought him to me when I wanted him or done God knows what else... we weren’t taking the chance.

I was up the morning after the surgery to have a sponge bath at the bedside. Then that afternoon I had the urinal catheter that they had to put in when I got the epidural for the surgery taken out, but I got dizzy before I could take a shower and nearly fell down. So I had to wait a couple of hours before getting back up to the shower.

The nurses came in frequently to ask if I wanted more darvocet, which I gladly accepted, I wasn't fighting anymore. They pampered me and cooed over my baby, telling me that I had a beautiful baby and glowing over how healthy he was.

I kept thinking, yeah, but I wish I could have had him normally… I wish I could have held him skin to skin with me moments after his birth…. I wish so many things were different… They couldn’t understand my morose attitude. So I began putting on a cheerful face whenever anyone was in the room, the nurses, visitors, the lactation consultant, doctors, even my husband… I was tired of being told I was doing it wrong. Inside I was dying to break down and cry.

They came in that morning to do the PKU test and to administer the first of the series of Hep-B vaccines. My husband and I had not decided whether or not we wanted to get the vaccine or not and we told the nurse and the pediatrician as much. They responded by saying that it was hospital policy that every baby had to be vaccinated with Hep-B within 24 hours of birth… we didn’t know they were lying to us and we caved.

I asked if I could breastfeed Alex while he had the heel prick and shot done, but they refused and took him to the other side of the room, stripped him naked, surrounded the little table so neither of us could see our baby, gave him the shot and pricked his heel. The first prick wouldn’t bleed enough, so they had to prick him twice more to get the necessary amount of blood for the PKU test. Alex screamed as they tortured him. When they were done, they dropped him, naked and covered by his own blood, into my husbands arms and left the room.

My husband cried as he cleaned him up and dressed him. He had had enough stress to make the toughest man drop to his knees. He gave Alex to me after he was cleaned up, and I nursed him as my husband left the room. I broke into tears after I knew he was out of earshot. I cried for a half hour while I nursed my son.... alone physically and emotional.

That night when my husband returned, he had gone home and had fallen asleep, we had a rather large heated argument about my being so depressed. He said that I needed to cheer up and that we had a healthy baby and that I was going to make myself sick if I didn’t get over myself. He also said that babies can sense emotions and that Alex’s constant colicky behavior might be due to my behavior.

I lost it.

I couldn’t believe that he was putting all the responsibility on me. I had done the best I could. It wasn’t my fault that we ended up with a cesarean! He apologized and said that he had just been really stressed out and when he woke up at home and realized he had slept four hours he felt really guilty about leaving me alone with Alex when I couldn’t stand up yet without assistance. We both realized that we weren’t angry with each other, we were angry at the situation, the way we had been abused, the dreams that had been shattered like brittle glass… we apologized to each other and resolved to never treat each other badly because the world was treating us badly. We had to be united, especially now.

Then on Saturday, things were better. I was able to get up on my own to take a shower, although I did need some help from my husband, as I still couldn’t bend over well enough to clean between my legs and I was still passing half dollar sized clots.

Alex’s pediatrician, Dr. H., came in Saturday and asked how we were doing with bottle feeding. We told him that we weren’t using formula, that we were exclusively breastfeeding. He fought with my husband for nearly half an hour on the subject and finally threatened to call CPS and have us arrested for neglect and child abuse if we wouldn’t supplement with formula. He asserted that I was not capable of nursing exclusively because my milk should have come in within 24 hours of the birth, and since it had not, and I was still only producing colostrum, that I was not cut out to breastfeed such a large baby. We grudgingly agreed to give Alex 15 cc of formula, as needed, AFTER every nursing.

Sunday morning I got up and didn’t need any help at all. We were finally going home!
Alex’s pediatrician came in and did a final check on Alex and announced that he had lost one ounce short of a pound and couldn’t be discharged. We told him that I had Polyhydramneos and that Alex’s initial birth weight could not be trusted because he was bloated with so much water… he agreed that it was possible, after checking my record and seeing that I wasn’t lying… but he refused to release Alex till we had been educated by the lactation consultant on how to use the supplemental nursing system (SNS).

We had no choice, yet again.

I had already called my grandma to help us get home, as our car wasn't big enough to take more than us and our new baby home... and she had arrived and we all waited till 4pm for a break in the LC’s schedule.

The lactation consultant got us all set up and couldn't figure out why, even with the smallest tube, Alex was struggling to keep up with the milk flow, so she got him off and squeezed my boob and got a face full of milk and told us to forget the SNS. She told us that she would tell the pediatrician that we were pros with the SNS so we could leave. THANK GOD she was on our side!

A nurse escorted us to our car and watched my husband strap Alex in the car seat and we were off… The first night home, Shawn brought our mattress from the bedroom into the living room because I could not lay flat on my back or on my side in bed because of the surgery. I needed to be reclined, and so I slept on the couch with Alex on a pillow next to me or on my chest, and my husband slept on the mattress on the floor.

Alex napping while I talk on the phone to a PPD Nurse/Counselor

With everything calming down at home and us getting all settled in, the post partum depression sank in with a vengeance… I nearly quit breastfeeding... not because of problems with nursing, in fact, as I said before, Alex came out with a FANTASTIC sucking reflex and voracious appetite and I never had sore, bleeding, cracked or in any other way problems with my nipples, I have never had mastitis or blocked tubes or any other problems breastfeeding, I have had it easy! I really felt guilty for that when I thought about quitting early on, because there are women out there who want so badly to nurse and end up with HUGE problems one right after the other...

The problem was that when Alex was born by c-section, even though I loved him terribly and couldn't even breathe when I heard his first cry there in the O.R. and I couldn't imagine not having him with me, it was hard for me to bond with him at first...I feel a little guilty about it actually.... I FORCED myself to hold him and cuddle with him and nurse him in the hospital because I believed that if I tried hard enough, I could overcome the feelings of detachment that I felt.... For heaven's sake, I had already bought the material for a babywearing wrap and had read all about Attachment Parenting and found other people for a support group! I wasn't going to just give up!

And then when we got home, the feelings didn't subside and I got really depressed and felt like a bad mommy and cried a lot.... it was my husband who kept me going... when I would say I didn't want to nurse him that I felt detached from Alex and didn't feel like there was a bond there and it wasn't like I had imagined being a new mommy would be he told me that there was no other way to feed Alex and he was not going to allow me to starve his son... he told me that this was what we had decided was best for Alex and that I needed to nurse him.... that if I would keep up my end of the bargain, God would do the rest.... and he gave me a blessing of comfort and was there for me and encouraged me when I felt too embarrassed to reach out to anyone else for help, when I would put on a happy face and pretend I was the doting mother for the world to see and really I was dying inside trying not to bust into tears from the depression I felt....

I am really grateful for a husband who would not let me quit because I can't imagine how my life would be without nursing, I LOVE the 2 or 3 times Alex wakes up at night even now, at 26 months old, to nurse… I complain about his drive by nursings because they are irritating but they are also wonderful reminders of what I could have lost if I had given up.

My birth had been stolen from me, and here I was considering giving up on the last thing I had control of… I refused... and plodded along. Things eventually became bearable... My husband received the La Leche League’s Father of the Year award in August, 2008 for his dedication to breastfeeding and his unwavering support of me and our son.

My extended family will probably never know the deep seated pain I carry even today about what happened... I talked to my mother about having a VBAC and she was aghast... why would I do that? "You don't have anything to prove..." She can't understand.

It has been 2 years and 2 months now, since the cesarean… I still grieve over the abuse we endured as a family. My husband and I have decided absolutely that we will NEVER again attempt a birth in a hospital. And since VBACs are illegal in Washington state free standing birth centers… that leaves us with a home birth.

We are still undecided on whether it will be unassisted or if we will be hiring a midwife, though we are seriously leaning toward the unassisted side, since midwives take a lot of chances taking on VBAC homebirths, and they didn't even want to help me homebirth BEFORE I had a cesarean, and Diabetes, and Hypertension...

I wrote this full birth story as a healing balm, 19 months after the cesarean, it was about time I stopped pretending that everything was A OK… it wasn’t. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Thursday, March 25, 2010
Edited to add:

My incredible healing repeat cesarean

Alex's 2 year old pictures!

2009-03-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

Earth Hour

2009-03-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

TODAY! Saturday, March 28, 8:30-9:30pm

Turning off all your lights for 1 hour... not a big deal in your life, but added with all the other people who also turn off their lights, it will make a HUGE impact on global energy consumption and the usage of finite resources. Seemingly insignificant individual choices can change the world, YOUR voice matters!

Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus

TURN OFF ALL YOUR LIGHTS FOR THE HOUR, STAND UP FOR OUR EARTH!

7 years and counting

2009-03-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today is our 7 year anniversary!

Ode to food

2009-03-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't love you anymore,
it's just that we can't have the same relationship...

- An Obese Type II Diabetic with Hypothyroidism and High Blood Pressure

I miss food.

I miss being able to go into my kitchen and pull out ingredients and concoct a masterpiece of epic quality... and eat it with my family... without having to measure, weigh, and count everything before cooking it. Without having to put back half the ingredients because they would add too many carbs to the meal for my blood sugar to handle. Or going ahead and making the meal the way I want and only being able to eat 1/2 cup of it... barely enough to get the flavor on my tongue.

I miss pizza nights where we order pizza and watch a movie and at the end of the movie the pizza is gone and we have gone through a couple of cans of soda each.... mindless eating... Now I slop together pizza's at home for myself, making sure that they are mostly vegetables and making them on tortillas instead of pizza crust... they look more like taco salad than pizza... watching my husband and son scarf down deep dish pepperoni pizza with extra cheese from Dominos...

I miss going out to eat and ordering whatever looks good on the menu without having to mentally add up the carbs, fats, proteins, and cholesterol counts! "I'll have the boiled chicken breast and steamed vegetables... just water to drink, thanks" While my son will have the chicken strips basket with fries and a glass of milk... and hubby gets the 5-alarm burger with fries and a Dr. Pepper.

I miss not having to check my blood sugar before and after meals to make sure that the meal I just ate didn't spike my blood sugar too much.... "Oops, that grilled cheese sandwich was too much, cross that off my list of safe foods... Hello lettuce, nice to meet you..."

sneaky little....

2009-03-19T21:24:00.001-07:00

my son (2 years old as of last month) walked right up to me and threw a grape right past my nose... as I turned to pick it up off the floor he took off with my pizza!

sneaky little....

at least it was good pizza... chicken, alfredo, spinach, mushrooms, olives, and sliced tomatoes

Domino Knitting

2009-03-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

My copy of “Domino Knitting” by Vivian Hoxbro arrived today. I heard about the technique “Domino Knitting” through my local knitting guild. I have also heard about modular knitting and thought that domino knitting could be used that way. It is so hard to find patterns for bigger ladies!

As soon as it arrived, I had to try it out and see if it was difficult. It wasn’t… after doing Mimosa twice… it is a simple idea: Cast on an odd number of stitches and working in garter stitch, preform a 2 stitch decrease (sl 1 st. knitwise, k2tog, psso) at the center stitch every other row. As the pattern called for, I changed colors every two rows. The square took all of 10 minutes.

It will be fun to see what I can create! The book has several patterns for accessories, sweaters, and other items… I am glad I got the book!

I am sick and tired... of being sick and tired....

2009-03-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Being a family has its ups and downs... The ups are great! Like lots of time together and fun things to do and people to care about and people to care about you... The downs are terrible! Like fights and the flu...

Speaking of the flu, my husband came home with the flu about a week ago and was sick and miserable for about three days. Then my son caught it... at 1am no less... and was puking and had diarhea and the whole bit. He had it for two days then I got it!

I am on day two now... feeling lots better, thanks to the ER giving me something for nausea. Yes, I am a wimp. As soon as I felt the first signs of nausea (2 AM Monday morning) I had my hubby take me in to the ER. I simply can't deal with nausea after having misdiagnosed gall bladder problems for three months. The docs kept telling me it was just acid reflux till I finally convinced them it was something else and they did an ultrasound and found a very sick gall bladder... I puked almost constantly for those three months... it was horrible!

Anyway, today I feel a lot better. I had some milk this morning, and I am about to get some light lunch... wish me luck!

My smart kid in the bath

2009-03-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, every parent thinks that THEIR kid is the smartest, cutest, most wonderful kid ever... so you will have to forgive my gushing here...

He was concentrating so hard on filling up this giant Taco Bell cup using a Lego Block. Carefully dipping the Lego in the water to get maximum fillage... slowly bringing the upright Lego up to the rim of the cup... dumping the tablespoon or so of water into the cup... repeat the process... It took him 15 minutes to fill the cup! Then he lifted the cup up in the air and dumped the contents on his head, laughing hysterically. Then went back to filling up the cup. It was so precious!

Okay, proud mother done gushing now...

Just a plug for my foodie blog...

2009-03-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

A DAY IN THE KITCHEN OF A CHOICE SPIRIT

Check it out! A new recipe every week!

Donors Needed! Please Help 15-year-old Amy Katz Survive!

2009-03-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! Even if they don't live in PA., they might be able to help.... even if you can't donate, at the very least we could get this message out to someone who can. I don't usually spread messages like this, but this touched me. I want to do everything I can to help this girl.

Save 1 Person. Save The World. 15-year-old, Amy Katz was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML). CML is a type of leukemia that is rare for a child her age. The only known cure for her cancer is a stem cell transplant.

Your blood might contain the right type of blood stem cell that
could help save Amy's life.

The test is fast, easy and painless.

If you live close to Squirrel Hill, PA please go to
the bone marrow drive for Amy, Sunday March 8, 2009, 11am-3pm, Hadassah Office,
1824 Murray Avenue, Squirrel Hill, PA.

If you can't go this donor drive go to
www.amysarmy.org
and find out where you can go to get tested.

My new look

2009-02-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

I got my hair cut today... and it looks good on me! I love it! I have been losing weight and the new haircut makes me feel like I have turned over a new leaf.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!!!!!

2009-02-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

My son is turning TWO YEARS OLD tomorrow. I don't know whether to be happy that he is getting so big and learning so much... or sad that he's getting older and no longer my little bitty baby... *sigh*

We have a big day planned. We are having Alex's 2 year birthday pics done at J.C. Penney's... We will also be getting family pics done of my sisters, mother, grandmother and I... my older sister is visiting from Illinois and it will be the first time in a while that all three of us sisters will be together...

Then we are celebrating his birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. We got one of their birthday packages, so there will be gaming, and food, and Chuck will come out and put on a show... etc... We got Alex his very first trike for his birthday. We put it together tonight so that we could take it to the photo shoot tomorrow... he loves it! He can't reach the pedals yet, but he really likes putting some of his toys inside the compartment under the seat, he also love pushing it around, and having us push him around on it. I think he will get a lot of use out of it with spring just around the corner too!

He got a birthday card today from my husband's parents, inside was a gift card to Target... so tomorrow we will go there and let him pick out a present from his grandparents.

I will call my father and let him wish Alex a happy birthday tomorrow as well.

All in all, I think it will be a big day. I hope Alex has fun.

Koolhaas - finished

2009-02-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

I finished this last night, but my camera was dead and I had to recharge the batteries to take a picture... It turned out very pretty!

Koolhaas - 1/2 done

2009-02-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

Koolhaas

2009-02-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

My Mother-in-Law's birthday is this week, so I have decided to knit a hat for her. I have chosen a beautiful pattern from Interweave Knits called Koolhaas.

Here is the pic from the pattern:

I chose a yarn that is close to the color used by the designer in this pattern. It is a Blue Face Leicester Hand-Dyed Wool from a local yarn shop:

I hope she likes it...

It is FINISHED!

2009-01-23T14:59:00.001-08:00

Mimosa Update - 3/4 done

2009-01-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

3/4 last night! will be finished today!

Inaguration Day

2009-01-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

I watched the Inauguration ceremonies today, in fact I am watching the parade right now - Live on CSPAN. You can find all the Inaugural ceremony videos there if you didn't get a chance to watch it live.

I didn't vote for Obama, but as I have blogged before, I do sustain him in his calling as the President. The people of the United States have spoken, in never before seen numbers, and Barack H. Obama has been elected as the 44th President of the United States of America. It is my duty to do what I can to support him and pray for him.

As the President gave his Inaugural Address, I was struck by several of his comments. The speech in general was well written and well delivered, as we have come to expect of our eloquent President. The message was one of hope and unity and I pray that we, as a nation, are up to the task of Obama's vision.

One comment that struck me was when he stated that there were some who thought his vision to broad and felt that it was not attainable... he said that these people have poor memories and that they don't seem to remember that America's history is full of acomplishments that seemed too high to reach. I agree that Americans are capable of acheiving any goal, no matter the difficulty in attaining it - IF they work together. It is not that Americans cannot acheive any goal they put their minds to, I simply think that Obama's goals are too numerous. I hope that I am wrong. I would absolutely love to see all the changes that Obama has proposed be accomplished in the short 4 years he has to acomplish them, and I will do everything in my power to help him accomplish them. However, I consider myself a realist, and I personally think that for as short a term as a President has, it is better to have two or three goals and work hard to acheive them than to have a laundry list of goals and spread one's self too thin.

I pray that Obama and his Administration is up to the task of the change that America needs. I pray that God will grant them strength and hope and courage to do what needs to be done, regardless of their own plans.

Belief-O-Matic

2009-01-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

I figured a [20 question test] would tell me I should be Christian, but I didn't think it would tell me which denomination I should be... And lookey there, it guessed my religion! I am a Mormon!

1. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (100%)
2. Jehovah's Witness (89%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
4. Baha'i Faith (71%)
5. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (71%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (70%)
7. Sikhism (60%)
8. Reform Judaism (58%)
9. Islam (56%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (56%)
11. Liberal Quakers (53%)
12. Eastern Orthodox (48%)
13. Roman Catholic (48%)
14. Seventh Day Adventist (48%)
15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (45%)
16. Unitarian Universalism (43%)
17. Jainism (37%)
18. Hinduism (36%)
19. Neo-Pagan (32%)
20. Mahayana Buddhism (30%)
21. Theravada Buddhism (28%)
22. New Age (28%)
23. New Thought (26%)
24. Secular Humanism (23%)
25. Scientology (20%)
26. Taoism (17%)
27. Nontheist (13%)

Forest Mimosa Update 1/2 done

2009-01-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

Forest Mimosa Update - 1/4 Done!

2009-01-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

Up in smoke...

2009-01-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

That is the way I feel my plans are right now...

Two years ago, I had my son by cesarean due to polyhydramneos (too much amniotic fluid). I found out later that the cesarean was not really necessary. The docs didn't want to break my water because my baby was not engaging and they were concerned about the risk of the cord prolapsing (coming out the birth canal before the baby). I found out later that they could have poked a small hole in the amniotic sac and allowed the water to drain out slowly, this has it's risks, but certainly would have been preferable to major abdominal surgery!

Since then, I have been trying to prepare for having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I didn't want to repeat my experience with major abdominal surgery. I found a Midwife who was willing to take me on for a home birth in spite of my health concerns, which include seizures and obesity, to name a couple... I have been reading extensively on the subject of prenatal care. I attended meetings of my local ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and joined the ICAN forums.

In spite of this, the universe seems bent on me being cut open every so often. I had to have my gall bladder removed in August of 2007; and a seizure-induced hernia repaired in October of 2008.

I found out this week that because of my weight, the multiple surgeries, and other concerns, I have developed Type II Diabetes. I am 27! I have been dieting and exercising and doing everything I can to keep myself healthy! I have lost a considerable amount of weight! I just don't understand how I could have developed Diabetes... I am not yet insulin dependent, we hope to control it with lifestyle changes at this point.

So, I thought it would be good to find out more about how Diabetes will affect my hopes for a VBAC. I had contacted every OB and midwife in my area following my son's birth, and none were willing to take me for a VBAC BEFORE I had diabetes because of some other health concerns I have...

I HAD found a midwife over in Seattle who was willing to take me on for a VBAC in spite of my health concerns (I had talked to practically every independent midwife in the state), but I talked to her today and she has changed her mind... apparently diabetes is a deal breaker for her.

I cannot go to a birthing center in WA because the brilliant lawmakers have made VBACing at free standing birthing centers illegal in this state... so apparently my only choices are to find a local doctor and CBAC (repeat cesarean); or go to the University of Washington Maternal Infant Care Clinic where they have midwives and specialists who deal with High Risk pregnancies... especially diabetics. The choice seems pretty clear, at least to me...

I don't know what my chances will be of getting to VBAC, but at least it isn't ruled out completely like it is here in Kitsap County! I just find it interesting that my life is always taking a completely different course than I plan for. I know that God will not give me any more than I can handle with His help, but sometimes I wish He didn't trust my ability to handle problems so much!

Non-animal crafters

2009-01-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

I have created this crafting group at Ravelry! I am so excited, I already have several members!

I am not a vegetarian, vegan, or animal rights activist. I am not allergic to animal based yarns, they don’t make me itch or rub me raw, I just don’t particularly like animal based yarns… I have tried to love them, but I just can’t.

I know that is grounds for exile in many yarn crafting circles, but that is just me. I know there are many knitters out there who are allergic to animal based yarns, particularly wool. And there are bound to be conscientious objectors to using animal products for various reasons… but for some reason, I haven’t found a group on Ravelry dedicated to these outcast crafters. So I have created one...

Forest Mimosa - Update

2009-01-04T15:21:00.001-08:00

I finished the chart today. I will start on the body later this evening. I am really pleased with the way this is turning out this time.

CLICK TO SEE LARGER IMAGES

Forest Mimosa - Update

2008-12-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

Beads for the Forest Mimosa

2008-12-28T17:20:00.000-08:00

I got the beads today! I cast-on tomorrow!

click on the pic to enlarge

Christmas Celebration

2008-12-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas celebration is over. Alex is sleeping/nursing, he fell asleep about ten minutes after the last person left. He was so tired!

We had a great time, 11 people packed into my little bitty apartment. I cooked a feast for my family which included: Black Forest Ham, Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Stovetop Stuffing with Gravy, Yum Yams, Cranberry Sauce, and a Chevres Cheese Ball.

My Grandma brought a Green Bean Casserole, olives, cookies, and fudge. My Mother and Aunt brought crackers for the cheese ball and milk. For desert, I made a Chocolate Chip Pudding Cake with Chocolate Glaze.

Gifts were exchanged and we had a wonderful time visiting with everyone. I really enjoyed this Christmas. I liked having everyone come to my house instead of going to someone else's house.

A Tearful Farewell to Co-sleeping Continues

2008-12-28T11:35:00.000-08:00

December 26, Alex fell asleep on my lap, and I decided that rather than put him in his own bed and risk him waking up shaking again, that I would just let him sleep with us.

December 27, I layed down with him in his bed and nursed him to sleep. I tried several times to get up and move to my own bed, but every time I tried, Alex would wake up and latch back on or snuggle up to me and grab my shirt tightly. I ended up sleeping the whole night with him in his bed. When I woke up this morning at 9am, I was able to get up without disturbing him. He slept two more hours.

A Tearful Farewell to Co-sleeping Begins

2008-12-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

Alexander is 22 months old, and has been co-sleeping with us since the day he was born. I have always read and have heard that when a child is ready to move to his own bed, we would know. And contrary to the grave admonitions of some who claimed that if we didn’t move him to his own bed by the time he was 1 year old he would never leave our bed, the time has come on its own.

For the past week or so, Alex has been climbing out of bed in the middle of the night and lying down on the floor next to the bed. Shortly he would realize where he is, and will climb back into bed. We have decided that, since he is showing the initiative to leave the bed, we won’t hinder him.

We moved the mattress from his crib (He broke his crib months ago, jumping on it... we disassembled it and threw it all out except the mattress, which has been living in a play tent in his room.) into our room and put it on the floor on Christmas Eve. Alex had fallen asleep on my lap during a movie. We moved him to his new bed and climbed into bed ourselves. The new found space was a little unsettling, but we managed to *gasp* cuddle each other till we fell asleep.

About two hours later, I woke up and could not get back to sleep. I looked over at Alex and he was sleeping soundly and hadn’t moved at all. I went over and checked on him, and came back to bed. It seemed like I was having more trouble than he was with this new arrangement! I fell back asleep.

An hour later I bolted awake; Alex had rolled off of the crib mattress onto the floor and was sitting up shaking and crying. I can imagine his surprise at not being in bed with us, or on my lap where he fell asleep! I reacted. I scooped him up and brought him back to our bed and we snuggled and I nursed him back to sleep. We slept the rest of the night comfortably, our situation back to normal.

Christmas Day, I decided that Alex should spend some time in his new bed during the day so that he could get familiar with being there. We spent some time in the bedroom playing, Alex jumped on his bed and played in the corners, I tickled him, and we had a playful pillow fight.

Christmas night, I decided that the best thing would be for him to fall asleep in his bed, rather than for me to put him to sleep and move him to his bed. I watched for signs of him getting sleepy. When he was starting to get tired, we went to the bedroom and repeated our pillow fight from earlier. He was beside himself with laughter and a little too worked up to fall asleep immediately. Perfect!

I lay down on some couch cushions that Shawn had stuffed between Alex’s mattress and the wall. We thought this was a wonderful idea, it gives me a place to lay down with Alex, and prevents Alex from rolling off the bed and startling himself awake. Alex lay down next to me and nursed, wandered over to our bed where Shawn was laying, wandered back over to me to nurse, investigated his new bed area, kicked at the walls... It went like this for about 45 minutes till he fell asleep. I moved back to my bed and snuggled with my husband again. I could get used to this!

About an hour later, I woke up to Alex patting my hip. He was asking to come into our bed. I pulled him up and he sleepily rooted for my breast. We fell back asleep. About two hours later, I woke up to find him back in his own bed. I didn’t notice him getting out of our bed, but there he was! I smiled and went back to sleep. Sometime during the night he climbed back into our bed and remained for the rest of the night. I woke up with him snuggled into my armpit.

I will write more as the nights wear on...

Acknowledging God's Hand in My Life

2008-12-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

Last week, I wanted to knit a pair of socks using two circulars, but... alas, I only had one of the necessary circulars...

My husband informs me three days ago that I need to organize my knitting needles and crochet hooks, before Alex loses them for me...

I get a coupon to JoAnn's, but I throw the coupon away, thinking "I'll never get to use this..."

Yesterday I got an anonymous gift card to JoAnn's in the amount of $25 for Christmas...

Today, I decide to go to JoAnn's to see what I can find.

While I'm putting on my shoes my son comes running in with a piece of paper which turns out to be a valid 40% off coupon to JoAnn's

I get to JoAnn's and wander back to the needles thinking that I can at least get the other circular I need... they were 25% off

Right next to the needles is a knitting needle and crochet hook organizer that is not on sale, meaning I could use the coupon on it! I think to myself, "if I get to the register and don't have enough money, I'll just pick up a couple skeins of yarn instead...

I get to the register and my total is $24.69

God is definitely looking out for me! I know it is a simple thing... going to the store is nothing spectacular, but it just seems a little convenient that all these things just fall into place. God is reminding me that He is there and that He loves me and wants me to be happy!

A Secret Santa

2008-12-23T23:13:00.000-08:00

I received a letter today, the return address block simply said "Santa". The Secret Santa wrote my address in a deliberate choppy block style that completely precluded identifying the penmanship of the author. I opened it, curious to see if the secret Santa would reveal themselves, but no luck.

Inside was a single piece of paper that simply read, "For fun." Wrapped carefully in the letter, were two gift certificates, one for me, to JoAnn Fabric and Craft Store... and one for my son, to Toys R Us.

I have no idea who would do such a wonderful thing! It was completely unexpected! We have a very tight budget, and to receive such an unexpected gift was wonderful! Our Bishop stopped by last week and gave us some money for Christmas, but it went directly toward things we needed for the house instead of just having some fun. These unexpected gift certificates can't be spent on things like food or bills... as the letter knowingly stated, it will be used "for fun".

Thank you to whoever it was who sent such a wonderful Christmas gift!

Snow Boobs

2008-12-20T23:00:00.001-08:00

We just took my almost 2 year old son outside to play in the snow... his first time as last year he was too young.

We have 3-4 inches here in Poulsbo, WA. and he was eating as much as he could hoark down! He had a blast!

Then he got cold and decided it was time to come in to warm up and eat sugar cookies and milk... momma's milk...

BRRRRRR!!!!! Cold little hands and an even colder mouth on my breasts! BRRRRRR!!!!!

Here is a video of him frolicking in the snow...

2008-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

Our first snow of the season! We are truly blessed to live in such a beautiful area.

A (not so) Silent Night

2008-12-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

Carolers just came to my door! It was wonderful! They were a bunch of the youth from my church and their teachers. They brought cookies and sang Silent Night for me. I gone caroling with my family, but I've never been caroled before... it was a new experience!

Forest Mimosa - Finished Swatching

2008-12-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

I have swatched for the Forest Mimosa... can't wait to get the beads, and get started!

This swatch was done with size 8 needles... I love the fabric and the way it lays, but the guage is not right... it is too small. But I swatched to the right guage with size 10 needles, and I don't like the fabric. So my solution? I will add one chart repeat to each side of the center stitch of the pattern! It will be bigger, and I will get the fabric I like!

Building Blocks

2008-12-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

Alex came running out of his room with a single block. He layed it carefully on the floor in the kitchen and ran back to his room, grabbed another single block and brought it back and stacked it on the first.... one by one he brought out enough blocks to build a tower almost as tall as him!

This is the first time Alex has done this, so we got the camera and quickly turned it on him. Lately though, he hasn't been wanting to be caught on camera... he wasn't pleased when he discovered we were filming him.

Henna, Act III

2008-12-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

Today, my friend hennaed my hair again. This time with lemon juice as the activator.

Fire Department Christmas

2008-12-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

Every year our local fire department drives around the city with "Santa" and his sleigh on top of the big red engine. They toot their horn and have all the flashy lights on and play Christmas carols and people walk along with the truck giving out candy canes to all the people who come out of their houses.

This year Alex got to see it for the first time! He was a little scared by it all and snuggled into my shoulder as we stood outside our apartment singing along with the carols as the truck went by. A very nice lady came up and gave us some candy canes and wished us a Merry Christmas. It is wonderful to see this every year, even though we don't celebrate Santa... People singing Christmas carols like "Silent Night" and "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful" and wishing people a Merry Christmas rather than a Happy Holidays.... it warms the heart.

It's official... and really sad

2008-11-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

I am diabetic. Mildly.

I am not insulin dependent, though, so that is a bit of good news. Diabetes tends to run (I mean gallop) in my family, so it was really only a matter of time. Now I really need to remember to take my glucophage and watch my sugar/carb intake a little more closely.

*sigh*

My new hat

2008-11-23T18:41:00.001-08:00

I knitted it myself!

Here is the pattern!

A talking fool

2008-11-19T16:15:00.000-08:00

Alex got to talk to his Grandma today, he has recently learned that he can actually talk into the phone and get a response! It was hard to get a clear pic because he is so animated when he talks...

Updated

2008-11-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Do you remember in the Asimov tale I, Robot where all the robots are "automatically updated" and begin attacking the people?

Last night, or early this morning... whichever way you prefer to look at it... Microsoft had a massive update which included the XBOX 360. Our phone and internet were disabled for the automatic update.

Just to let you know, I am not a conspiracy theorist... I am not worried that "Big Brother" is watching my every move... I am not paranoid...

But the update reminded me of how "connected" our lives are. Through the Internet, our computers and some other electronics can be updated or monitored by Microsoft, our ISP, the government, and hackers galore... notice I said CAN BE, not ARE...

I find it mildly interesting to think about how much we value our freedom and independence, but for many, the idea of not receiving the newest/shiniest/biggest/baddest/latest whatever it is that they love so much is the stuff of nightmares! We are slaves to commerce!

How would our society function if we no longer had electricity? If we could no longer play our XBOX or watch our TV or access the Internet... what would we do?

Would we panic and sit in our darkened houses waiting for someone to come and fix the problem? Find the nearest landbased phone and call in the special forces to repair our world? Drive, shakily to the store and buy generators and battery packs to power our lives?

Or would we step, blinking, into the sunlight outdoors and meet our neighbors? Take our children to the park and have a picnic? Take a drive on a Wednesday afternoon instead of waiting for Sunday? Lose weight by getting off our couches and moving our bodies?

Something to think about....

My Kitchen

2008-11-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

I have a Blog dedicated to food, and my obsession with it.... many of you know already, but I just wanted to throw this out there....

You can always reach it from my sidebar here on this blog, and conversely you can come back to this blog from the sidebar on my kitchen blog. Here is the link to it anyway:

A Day in the Kitchen of a Choice Spirit

Happy eating!

Barack Obama is the President of the United States of America

2008-11-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

The LDS faith has something called "The Articles of Faith". These are some of the basic tenets of our faith, and one of them is:

We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

To me, this means that even though I didn't vote for Obama, I am subject to the laws of the country I live in and I should support him, pray for him, and not badmouth him....

I just wanted to say that I WILL be praying for our new President. I will support him in any way I can. I will NOT badmouth him. That doesn't mean that if he misuses his authority or breaks his Presidential Oath that I will still support him, I do not have blind faith in him... I would have voted for him if I had complete confidence in him... But I DO TRUST GOD! I trust that God is there for me. I trust that God will hear my prayers.... so I will pray for our leaders and leave the rest to God. We may not understand the reasons for all that happens in the world, but...

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God...

On the spur of the moment

2008-11-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

We took our car in for maintenance today, then I dropped my election ballot off at the fire department, it was pretty ordinary... getting things done...

Then we decided to walk on the ferry and go to Seattle today! It was so refreshing to just GO. We had nothing else to do, so we just decided to go! We drove to the Bainbridge Island Ferry, parked the car, walked on the ferry, had lunch at the Crab House on the waterfront in Seattle, then came home.

I know it doesn't sound very exciting to the average person, but it was fantastic for us. We don't have a lot of money, we are on SSI... so it isn't very often that we just go out to eat or do something that costs money like taking the ferry, we are so careful with our budget... we don't have a lot of wiggle room. But today we decided to just go... we needed it so badly. When you live a life that is the same day in and day out, a wild and crazy spur of the moment adventure is required to keep one's sanity intact.

I just felt the need to share and to write about our adventure today.

Happy Halloween!

2008-11-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Halloween is over... we didn't get any trick-o'-treaters... we stayed home and watched 10,000 BC, it was good!

Next year, Alex will be old enough to enjoy the holiday.... that will be fun!

I'm home!

2008-10-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

The surgery went well, of course, the blessing I received said it would.... I was released home this morning, still on bed rest for a couple of days, but all is well. my husband and son had a rough night without me, the hospital said they could stay with me overnight but Alex was too rowdy and Shawn decided to go home so I could rest.

The surgeon removed the hernial sack and put a plastic backed mesh patch under the hole and sewed it in place. Apparently, the muscle was too thin to sew up, so he had to leave it open. Hopefully I wont have another grand mal seizure before the area heals.

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes!

ANOTHER surgery

2008-10-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am having surgery tomorrow, 4pm, to repair a hernia. Nothing major... but thought I'd post it anyway...

The Mimosa is finished

2008-10-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

I swatched... and swatched... and reswatched.... and checked and measured and did everything right, and it is too small. The pattern says it should be much bigger.... oh well, live and learn.... I guess I will sell it and recoup my money and make another one with bigger needles!

Mimosa update

2008-10-12T19:54:00.001-07:00

I'll be wearing it this week!!!!