Sunday, April 20, 2008

There is a light at the end of the tunnel....

I know I haven't posted in a while.... to be honest I haven't had much motivation. I have been a bit depressed. I don't know if it is the weather or the lack of adult companionship outside of my family or my recent menstrual cycle..... or what..... but I finally have come out of my slump and am starting to feel better!

I was listening to BYU-Radio yesterday, and they were playing a song called "Lead Kindly Light". I have heard and have sung this song at church, but to be honest I never really paid attention to the lyrics. For some reason though I actually *HEARD* it and it made me cry.... not unusual for me lately as I have been depressed..... but still.....

After the song was over, I got this thought of .... hey it would be nice to listen to a devotional, I am feeling pretty spiritual right now... so I went to BYU-TV and clicked on a devotional at random.... and the talk was entitled "Keep my Feet" which is a line from the song "Lead Kindly Light".... I laughed and listened to the talk. This isn't my first run in with coincidence, you know....

Then after it was over I decided to see what's on BYU-TV right now (the talk I listened to was aired on BYU-TV at 4am this morning.... and since they were showing some sports show, I decided to listen to a conference talk from this last April... so I am looking at the list of Conference sessions and I think... which one should I listen to, and I decide.... what the heck I will just start at the beginning, and I click on the Saturday Morning Session.... and the Choir starts singing "Lead Kindly Light".....

I think I am starting to get the message the universe is trying to tell me something here....

so I looked up the lyrics to "Lead Kindly Light"

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

This song really strengthened my testimony that God knows me and knows where I am in life and that he is with me always and all I have to do is listen for that still, small voice to help me take one more step in the right direction. As the devotional I listened to said (and I am paraphrasing), I don't need to understand what will happen in the distant future, I don't even have to know what is around the next big corner in my life, I only have to trust that God knows, and that He will 'keep my feet' and lead me safely to where I need to be.

I recently found out that Brown University, in conjunction with Rhode Island Hospital, is researching to see if Zoloft can help to reduce the occurrence of stress-induced non-epileptic seizures in those with depression... Although I am eligible for the study, I do not have the means to get out to Rhode Island for 12 weeks so that I can participate, so I have given my doctor a copy of the study, and I am going to try to get on Zoloft and see if that will help me.

I really want to be there for my family and I just can't do that when I feel like I am at the bottom a a big deep well and someone at the top is shoveling in the dirt.... I just need to shake off the dirt and take a step up... and eventually I will reach the top!

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