Thursday, September 10, 2009

Pregnancy Dreams

Last night I had a very interesting dream about birth. It was so long and detailed and when I woke up I could remember it as if it really happened.

I was in the hospital. I was up and moving around and labor pains were not as painful as I had imagined. The doc had ordered that I be monitored by a nurse throughout my labor because I was considered high risk but I had refused continuous fetal monitoring, IV or heplock, epidural, pain meds, and I refused to stay in bed much to the irritation of the hospital staff. The nurse kept trying to get me to let her check my dilation and station but I remember I told the nurse to leave me alone because I would be damned if I was going to repeat my last birth. I allowed her to check the baby’s heart tones by Doppler though whenever I was done with a big contraction, and she had managed to get me to agree to keep a blood pressure cuff on me while I wandered around my room. She also checked my blood sugar every hour.

Shawn, my husband, was sleeping in a reclined chair and Kristina, my doula, was walking around with me. Every time I had a contraction, I would stop and lean against something, and Kristina would remind me that I was a mama bear and that I was doing the right thing. At one point I sat on a giant green ball and started rocking in circles and it helped the contractions.

The doctor came in to check with the nurse on my progress and the nurse just shrugged and said that I seemed to be doing well, my blood pressures were a little high but that was to be expected since I wouldn’t sit down (that was said with a little ire), the contractions were steady and regular, the baby’s heart was strong, and I had great support… The doc asked her how dilated I was and the nurse said that I wouldn’t let her check. The doc then came to me and asked if she could check my dilation and I refused, telling her that I didn’t want any exams till I was ready to push. That there was no point to her checking me just so she could tell me I wasn’t progressing well enough or try to pressure me into a repeat c/s. I told her that we were both doing well and that that was all that mattered. Then I had a big contraction, Kristina squeezed my hand and told me to relax and think of the Temple. I remember thinking it was odd that she would remind me of that since I didn’t know that she knew that Shawn and I had been sealed together in the Temple and that that day was the most joyful day of my life. Then I remember thinking that the birth of Alex should have been the most joyful day of my life and I started crying. I remember thinking that I would not allow myself to be bullied again. When I started crying the doc got a look of concern on her face and asked if I needed pain management. I declined explaining that I wasn’t in pain, I was emotional. The doc looked at her watch (I had demanded that all the clocks in the room be removed so I wouldn’t be watching them, the only clocks were watches that various people were wearing) and said that I had been at the hospital for 7 hours and that I needed to be checked. I asked her what information they could glean from an exam and how that information would help them more than what they already knew… she said that since my water hadn’t broken I could be at risk for failure to progress. I interrupted her and told her that as long as the baby and I were ok, that I wouldn’t submit to further exams. I reminded her that I was negative for GBS and that I didn’t want to risk introducing infection to the birth canal with pointless exams. She tried to argue with me but I stood my ground and she finally just left.

Because of the stress from arguing with the doc, I had stopped contracting. I remember asking the nurse to draw a warm bath for me so I could relax. The nurse hurried off to do so. I sat down on the ball and leaned against the bedside. Kristina woke up Shawn so he could help me relax. Shawn started rubbing my back and Kristina put on my labor music… before this point I had just wanted quiet, but now I needed to get back in the zone. The nurse came in to let me know the bath was drawn and Shawn helped me head in to the bathroom. Kristina brought out some lavender essential oil and added a few drops to the bath. I sank down into the water, listened to the music and breathed in the perfumed air. I was in heaven. I started contracting again. A little bit later the nurse wanted me to get out of the bath so she could check the heart tones and my blood pressure and temperature.

I started to get up and had a major contraction and the urge to push was irresistible. I beared down and the nurse looked at me and asked if I was pushing. I told her that I was and she immediately pulled the call button and informed the front desk to get the doc in immediately. Kristina and Shawn helped me to the bed where I laid on my side and allowed the nurse to check my dilation. I was complete! It was time! I kept pushing with each contraction and urge and the nurse asked me to get on my back so she could monitor my progress… I didn’t say anything, I was concentrating too hard. She asked again and Shawn told her to shut up. He said that I would birth in the most comfortable position for me not for her. The nurse shut up. I lifted my top leg up and Kristina, who was standing in front of me at the bedside, let me rest my leg on her hip. Shawn was applying counter pressure on my back and the nurse was at the bottom of the bed trying to see. She announced that she could see the baby’s head just as the doc came in. The doc came over and put gloves on and started to reach for the baby’s head to help the baby come out. I snarled at her and told her not to touch my baby if she wanted to keep her hand. With the next push the head popped out and I felt burning. The doc said that it looked like I had torn a little. I reached down and touched my baby’s head. It was warm and wet, but it felt like there was something over the baby’s face. The doc said the baby was being born inside its sac! I put my fingers in beside the baby and stretched my vulva just a little with the next push and the baby came out. I grabbed the baby and pulled it up to my chest. I could see that the baby was still in its sac and I carefully pulled it away from the baby’s face and tore it. Water went everywhere. The doc came forward to help me get the baby out of the sac and I allowed her to suction the baby’s airway. The baby didn’t cry… it just started snorting and breathing deeply. I turned over onto my back and the doc helped me to get the baby completely out of the sac and wipe the baby off. While we worked, the baby started to cry and pink up. The nurse brought a blanket over and put it over me and the baby. I started nursing the baby. Then I thought I should find out whether we had a boy or a girl. I looked and it was a boy.

The doc told the nurse to start an IV in me to get the pitocin and fluids started and went back down to the end of the bed and attended to trying to get the placenta out. She asked Shawn if he wanted to cut the cord and he told her that we wanted to wait till it stopped pulsing. The doc started to argue with him and he just told her that we weren’t consenting to her cutting the cord and that she was wasting her breath. Finally the placenta came out, the cord stopped pulsing and the doctor was able to cut the cord and examine the placenta. She massaged my stomach roughly to aid the pitocin in shrinking my uterus to stop any bleeding. She examined the tear and found that it didn’t need stitches. Kristina brought me a big glass of orange juice, which I gladly accepted as I was parched…

Then I woke up and had to pee… Kind of an anticlimactic ending to such an amazing dream, but, there you have it. It was really amazing! I was sweating and shaking as I got up to go to the bathroom. I hope that the birth goes half that well!

4 comments:

Missy said...

Wow! I can't believe you experienced all of that in one dream and could remember it so well. I wonder if some of those birth experiences will in fact happen. You never know:)

choice_spirit said...

Describing it takes longer than experiencing it... Try to describe tying your shoes sometime... lol...

Really though, I wanted to capture exactly what I saw, felt, heard, etc... I wrote it in my pregnancy journal. Someday my children will read it and will be able to know exactly what it was like for me...

Holly said...

You ARE a mama bear! What a beautiful story, and I'm confident it will instill courage in your body as you labor. I work as a doula and so rarely see women know their minds and wishes this fiercely - but those are the labors where the women emerge triumphant (and a lot of them ARE VBACs.).

Lurking from the mothering due-date club, btw. Can't wait to see how it goes!

choice_spirit said...

Thanks Holly! I hope that I can stay strong.