I had been avoiding this part of the BirthWorks series because I wanted to only focus on the positive... but part of my class this Saturday is to name my fears... part of the exercise was to share the fears and become accountable for them... so here I go...
The red ones are fears I no longer have to worry about... because I have solved the problem or someone has helped me to solve it.
The blue ones are ones I have no control over and have decided to name them and then give them to God to deal with.
1. Being baited and switched
2. my husband being too aggressive
3. my husband being in pain
4. my husband not wanting to be my rock
5. late term miscarriage
6. losing my "voice" or that I really an mot strong enough or that I truly am broken from my VBAC
7. Not having my support able to be at the birth
8. complications leading to a cesarean
9. baby being born with problems like Diabetes and requiring time in the NICU without me
10. Hospital staff not respecting my wishes regarding pain meds, movement, monitoring, IV, newborn care, support people, labor positions, physiological pushing, delayed cord cutting, immediate skin to skin contact and nursing, vaginal exams, spontaneous placenta delivery...
11. My preferred doc not being available and having to deal with an on-call doc
12. My Doula not being available and having to use her backup
13. Not being able to pay my Doula what she's so obviously worth but knowing I can't do it without her.
14. Not having the money for my husband and son to eat while I am in the hospital
15. My husband and son having to travel back and forth almost an hour drive to see me daily while I am in the hospital
16. Not being able to retain my placenta for encapsulation
17. not being able to get the placenta to the encapsulation lady
18. not being able to afford the fee for encapsulation
19. requiring a urinary catheter, pain meds, epidural, cesarean, etc... all the cascade of interventions
20. post partum depression
21. bonding with my daughter
22. not having enough room in our very small 2 bedroom apartment and having to move before the birth or shortly afterward
23. My mother's fears and criticisms of me and my choices
24. getting pre eclampsia
25. baby having a molded cone head
26. magnesium sulfate
27. length of labor
28. going past 42 weeks
29. pooping during pushing
30. letting down my daughter before she's even born
31. embarrassing myself
32. Having the perfect birth and not feeling the sense of relief or fulfillment I think I should after working the last 3 years for a VBAC
33. Back labor
35. my seizures becoming a problem
36. death of me or my daughter leaving my husband and son without me or having to go on without my daughter
37. my son having troubles with not being allowed in the room or by being traumatized by being in the room and seeing me in labor
38. breech presentation
39. No room in the L&D when we get there
40. Not making the right choices for fear of making the wrong choices
WHEW! What a list! But I promised myself that I would do all I could to overcome my fears in preparation for this birth... so there it is... now to work on overcoming the remaining fears rather than suppressing them.